"You" meaning my legions of obsessed fans who are reading this post using your dorky little Google Reader before masturbating to the fantasy of banging me and then reading about yourself on this blog.
But, for the record, I still enjoy receiving requests to meet in person because they're quite flattering! So keep 'em coming! Obvi my ego could totally use a boost.
You all should know by now that any man who crosses my path is fair game for this blog. I don't care if he's the sweetest gentleman on earth. I can ALWAYS find a reason to shit on a man. Always. And as you have probably noticed, it's totally one of my favorite pastimes.
I thought I'd share a recent piece of fan mail with you. I didn't respond to this fan because I felt it would be more effective to respond here. Why shower a random groupie with the glory of my words in a private venue that would deprive my readers of such awe-inspiring thoughts? No man is so deserving.
Here's what my admirer had to say:
Ha, well hello to you also gorgeous ;)
And yes, glad to hear that [insert rando's name] is passing along the good word - though I question what she has told you about me... I think I confidently (not "cockily") stated that I would be within your top 3% search as long as you removed the height requirement. Though what I lack in height I make up for in energy, craziness and straight weirdness, to say the least - though I prefer to be labeled unique or one of a kind. Keep in mind that this all came out AFTER I professed my love for you. Your blog words seem to have won my heart over... As the last of a dying breed of helpless romantics I think [insert rando's name] sent me there to help get me past someone else and instead she makes me fall for you. Oh the irony. Anyway, now you have my information for stalking while I'm still basing the fantasies in my head on mental images of one anime shot and your spoken words. Now that you have a photo I get one also, yes? Looking forward to continuing to proclaim my love for you via text until I get the chance in person. Just keep up the captivating words...
And here is my response:
Awww..... You LOVE me. That's cute. Join the club. Thousands of other men feel the same way, but I'm still flattered that someone a few inches shy of being a Top 3% Alpha Male enjoys my blog so much! It's too bad - for you, that is - that in my world, if you're a few inches shorter than 6' tall, you're invisible to me. I wear 5" stilettos everywhere I go. I couldn't possibly engage in my nightly pub craw with someone I can't even see when my shoes are on! In other words, you could have the most beautiful face on earth, but would you really ask me to go through the effort of looking down in order to see it? I could never be with someone so high-maintenance.
Additionally, I've learned from experience that meeting or dating my fans is a horrible idea. I can't put myself in situations where I'm at such an information disadvantage! Don't get me wrong - I would still dominate you. But I find it BORING when men tell me exactly what I want to hear because they KNOW exactly what I want to hear. Zzzzzzzz.....
Also, I must protect my anonymity. I wouldn't be able to date and fuck multiple men at the same time if everyone knew about this blog and my identity! And if I can't do that, then I'd have nothing to write about. And if I had nothing to write about, you'd have one less thing to look forward to each day. So really, I can't meet you because I'm thinking about YOUR happiness.
But don't be sad. You'll find another girl to help you forget about your ex. No, she won't be as witty or perceptive as I am, but take solace in knowing that you are one of numerous men battling to spend time with me with me, and only ONE of these men will actually be able to successfully lock me down. Statistically speaking, that one lucky asshole probably wouldn't have been you even if I had let you try. Therefore, in addition to worrying about your happiness, I'm protecting you from the agony of defeat.
And...let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? Based on your email, you're not Boo. Boo would never write something so gay.
Thanks again for your kind words. I hope you find the girl you're looking for.
That wasn't too harsh, was it? Ha! Like I CARE.
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3 comments:
OMG! WOW! I'M A CELEBRITY!!! I JUST GOT MY WORDS PUBLISHED ONLINE!!!
Given that I literally wrote that message to you with the intent of becoming a blog post, I can now respond to you and tell you that, despite what you think, I'm actually the one that won here because I was able to manipulate you well enough to get on the site. I was a step ahead of you! Plus you know I’m persistent – this just opens the door for me further in my eyes. You wouldn't have gone through all the trouble of calling me out if you weren't attempting to entice me. This is great! Love and kisses and I can't wait to meet you...
Wow! What a fantastic victory for you to have your weird words published on my blog, which has literally NO readers besides my 8 friends. If you're that hungry for fame, perhaps I should post your photo as well?
As I mentioned in my title, you'll never meet me, so you should stop wasting OUR time. I've heard enough from you to know that you wouldn't make the cut.
Finally, I think that this post is particularly relevant to you.
Touche... though my desire to be a celebrity was really more of a rousing attempt at sarcasm. Like one of your earlier posts, I also like to not only fuck, but fuck WITH members of the other sex (therefore not H.A.M.). I do have to give you significant props though - not too many girls would be able to keep up with my ill intentions. Until the next innuendo-laced, love-to-hate-you-filled conversation, I admit defeat. Me letting a female win? What else is new...
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