Drunkonomics

When I'm sober, I enjoy claiming I'm a genius. And when I'm drunk, I actually start to believe it.

This is a horrible thing because I'm loudest, cockiest, AND most retarded when I'm drunk.

My latest drunken obsession is coming home wasted and doodling. But since I'm convinced I'm a genius, I can't just draw random shit like flowers and hearts. That's for amateurs and pussies. I instead insist on trying to make sense of my love life using X-Y graphs. I find that they convey so much meaning with so little effort on my part.

I'm going to start scanning and posting these graphs, and you'll be able to find them under the label "Drunkonomics."

Below is one of my recent masterpieces, which I created after I came home feeling especially rejected and bitter one night. I was wondering how I, as an outlier of hotness and awesomeness, could still be single at the moment.


For those of you who are too stupid to understand that graph, allow me to enlighten you.

There are a few important things to note. First, the line you see there represents the supply of women. Notice the negative relationship between hotness and awesomeness. We all know that this relationship is painful but true. The girls who are most amazing to look at are also the ones who should never talk. Ever. And the girls who are most fun to hang out with are the ones who pig out on Cheetos, wear comfortable clothing, and have mom haircuts.

This relationship sucks ass. But fortunately, there are outliers who lie both above and below this supply curve. I've tossed in some examples to help you understand what this means.

But let's focus on me as represented by the gigantic dot labeled "me!"

Notice how humble I am in admitting that a fairly large proportion of women are hotter than I am. I would say approximately 10-15% of the female population is more bangable than I (but if we counted sense of style, this number would decrease to 0.01%).

However, LOOK at how much disproportional awesomeness you're getting for my given level of hotness. There's really only 1 woman in the world more awesome than I am, and that's Angelina Jolie. That's pretty fucking awesome. That's an awesomeness surplus that should make any man cream his pants to get with me.

So if this is where I stand in relation to other women, WHY am I writing this hilarious, incredibly insightful blog post to a bunch of randos instead of getting my box munched by a grateful man who's never felt luckier in his life?!?!

COME ON, fellas! This box won't eat itself! Get ON IT.

Hmmm... Perhaps I need a Z axis for "delusional?"

Nahhhhhh! That graph is TOTALLY accurate.

The Value of a Dollar

Have I ever told you that I'm an Economist? If so, I was lying. But I do enjoy thinking about the economics related to decision-making and consumption.

For example, some days after work, I want to get home right away, so I ask myself, "Should I spend $15 on a cab ride home?" Then, I think about the opportunity cost of that $15. Once I recall that $15 could buy me a Grey Goose vodka tonic, I conclude that $15 for a cab ride is SO not worth it!

But that was in the past. I no longer consider opportunity cost in terms of foregone alcohol consumption.

I now have something better and more practical. Something that everyone in the world can understand and appreciate the value of.

Nobel Prize in Economics, here I come. I have discovered the most efficient way to measure the value of a dollar and therefore truly understand the opportunity cost of any purchase.

Here is my solution: The value of a dollar should be measured in terms of what it can get you at Spearmint Rhino.

Eureka, motherfuckas!

Yes, I'm talking about the strip club, where, for 1 measly dollar, I can have a flawless stripper with no body fat, big fake sallies, and a round rump:

• give me a titty carwash,
  
• show me her vagina,
  
• fondle my breasts,
  
• balance dollar bills on her nipples,
  
• clap her feet together,
  
• do a helicopter,
• spit on my friend,
  
• rub her ass on my face, or
  
• DO ANYTHING ELSE my filthy heart desires on command.
  

Hot, obedient, cheap, and with UNLIMITED possibilities. It is literally the most efficient way to spend $1.

Also, WHY THE FUCK have I ever tipped any other service personnel?!?

I'm no longer tipping my bartenders. And if they try to give me shit, I'm going to say, "Ummm... I'm sorry, did I miss it when you showed me your coochie? What? You DIDN'T show me your coochie? Oh. What about your tits? Did you whip those out? What? Oh. You didn't show me your tits? Okay, well can I play with them for a little bit? What? No? Wait. WHY are you asking me for a dollar then? Because that's what I can get for that dollar, bitch! How are you gonna to top that?!?!"

Our economy will finally achieve maximum efficiency. Dollars will now shift from deadbeats like pizza delivery boys, waitresses, and cab drivers to the hardest working members of our society: strippers - women who are willing to EARN those dollars. Thank you, strippers, for teaching the rest of us what hard work really is.

And to give back, I'm going to take my $1 million in Nobel Prize money and make it rain on them hos.