Me Likey Mulattos

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that I've decided to "grow up." I used to only go for men who are in the top 3% (Top 3% Alpha Males), but the new Mature Me has decided to lower my standards and seek out a man who is merely in the top 4 to 10% (Above Average Joes).

I define Top 3% Alpha Males as men who possess all (yes, ALL) of the following qualities:

- smart
- athletic
- hot
- funny
- well-dressed
- successful
- went to top tier school
- tall
- financially secure
- well-endowed
- amazing in bed
- confident

I define Above Average Joes as men who are missing no more than 2-3 of those characteristics.

Why this decision? Because a friend has convinced me that men in the top 3% aren't nice to girls because they don't have to be. And I'm over mean men. Finally. For real this time. Seriously. No, for real. Stop. I'm serious.

And the bad news? I NO LONGER GET TO FUCK MEN IN THE TOP 3%. Booooooo. Shit. I hate this already. Can I quit?

Of course the day I made this stupid ass commitment to myself, I found myself literally IN BETWEEN a Top 3% Alpha Male and an Above Average Joe who both wanted to do me. God. Life is so hard.

This is what happened. I went to a bar deciding that I would replenish my pipeline with a NICE man. I immediately spotted two Above Average Joes at the bar, so I stood behind them with my girlfriend and started being my usual incredibly charistmatic and unbelievably witty self. Of course they overheard my entire conversation (I'm quite loud) and laughed at everything I said (I'm quite funny).

Eventually, I began to include them in the convo because they were clearly too dorky and shy to jump into it themselves. Perfect. Exactly the kind of men I wanted.

I quickly ascertained that they were both software engineers who work at tech start-ups. Jackpot! Finally - men who will treat me right! And they were SUPER NICE to me. God. They looked so grateful just to be talking to a woman. Totally unlike the men I usually fuck.

As I was charming the pants off these engineers and feeling proud of Mature Me, I accidentally bumped into some dude on my left. Okay, well, I was drunk, so maybe it was something more like "fell onto."

He had his back to me, and I said, "OMG! I'm really sorry!" and turned to continue my conversation with the Dorky Engineer Dudes.

The guy I bumped into then turned around and said, "It's okay. You don't need to apologize to me."

I looked over at him as he turned around.

Oh my fucking god.

Oh my fucking god.

Oh my fucking god.

He

was

the

finest

man

I

have

ever

seen.

He smiled at me. He fully turned toward me. And he spoke to me. "You're cute. What's your name?"

FUCK. It was the highlight of my life. Also, Mature Me was in trouble.

Don't do it, I thought to myself. Don't fucking do it. This is exactly the kind of man you've sworn off. Turn your ass around and keep talking to Dorky Engineer Dudes. Please. Ignore him. Walk away. Don't answer.

"KC."

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I was weak. And he was sooooooo hot. I began flirting with him.

I will name him Please Fuck Me Mulatto because he was 1/2 black, 1/2 white, and the most beautiful human being I have ever seen. All he'd have to do is wink at me and I would come. And come. And come.

I realized I was dealing with a top 1% male. He literally possessed EVERY amazing characteristic I listed above. ALL OF THEM. (Because 1/2 black always means good in bed and well-endowed, right?)

Not only was he top 1%, he was also the most AGGRESSIVE man I've ever met. Here's what went down during my interaction with him:

- He told me to "spin around" so that he could check me out. I'm not fucking kidding you. In the middle of our conversation, he said, "Spin around" and expected me to twirl around for him on command! And he demanded this TWO TIMES.

- Please Fuck Me Mulatto continuously pointed at his cheek and said, "Kiss me." After I did so, he'd say "Now do it again like you mean it." He did this over and over throughout the night, constantly berating my kisses. "What the fuck was that?" "That was awful." "Ugh." Once, he just rolled his eyes at me.

- Please Fuck Me Mulatto mocked me nonstop. "You work out? It doesn't look like it." "You're so full of shit." "You're all talk." "What the fuck are you drinking?" "Who are these losers you're talking to?" "Why are you so loud?"

- Of course this was sandwiched between compliments. "You're so cute." "Nice ass." "You're funny." "I like you." "You're adorable."

- At one point, I was double fisting drinks (Don't judge me. I was thirsty, damnit!), and he grabbed one drink out of my hand, tasted it, and said in a totally disgusted and angry tone of voice, "What the fuck is this? This doesn't taste like it has any alcohol in it. You're weak." And he disappeared with it. I continued talking to Dorky Engineer Dudes, and I turned around after a few minutes to see where Please Fuck Me Mulatto went with my damn drink. It turned out he had been STANDING RIGHT BEHIND ME up against the wall the whole time, FINISHING MY DRINK and STARING AT MY ASS. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

- At another point when I was talking to Dorky Engineer Dudes (I kept going back to them because Mature Me was really trying to win the battle that night), Please Fuck Me Mulatto went up to Dorky Engineer Dude #2, got all up in his face, and asked WITH A COMPLETELY SERIOUS FACE, "Do you fight?" The poor engineer looked confused and scared shitless. He had no idea what to say, so he meekly joked, "Yeah, I'm a cage fighter." Please Fuck Me Mulatto then got up in his face and asked him again, "Do you fight?" The poor engineer still had no idea what was going on (and neither did I, frankly), so he just turned around and started talking to his friend.

- Then, Please Fuck Me Mulatto grabbed my hand and led me outside the bar. I know. Mature Me should not have let this happen, but he was so hot I literally couldn't muster the will to remove my hand from his. Once outside the bar, he took a few steps, leaned against the wall, looked over at me, and POINTED AT THE GROUND IN FRONT OF HIM. In other words, he commanded me to come stand in front of him without uttering a single word. It was the cockiest, most aggressive thing I had ever experienced. And never had I been more turned on in my entire life. Within seconds, we were making out.

- I eventually realized that I needed to stop because things were going too far. Mature Me doesn't want to deal with asshole players anymore. So I pulled away and said I needed to get back to my friends inside the bar. He walked in behind me. As I walked past the bouncer, Please Fuck Me Mulatto slapped my ass. HARD.

Please Fuck Me Mulatto then tried to convince me to come with him to another bar.

Finally, 1 hour and 1 public makeout session later, Mature Me won.

"No, I'm going to stay with my friends."

It was the most difficult sentence I've ever uttered. I was proud of myself. But also, I wanted to weep for the hottest fuck that would never be.

I looked for Dorky Engineer Dudes. They were gone. They had probably walked by me when I was outside making out with Please Fuck Me Mulatto. Whoopsie daisy!

Still manless.

On the bright side, for the first time in my life, I resisted the lure a Top 3% Alpha Male!! Yeah, baby!

Shut up. I know I made out with him, BUT I did successfully walk away from the opportunity to have sex with THE HOTTEST MAN I WOULD EVER FUCK because Mature Me no longer hooks up with hot players (I fucking HATE Mature Me).

Look out, Dorky Engineers With No Game! I'm coming to bang you. Especially if you're a mulatto.