But I learned last night that there's another thing that I will NEVER do well. And that's making a man come during phone sex.
I FUCKING HATE PHONE SEX! How do people do it?!?! It's so .... AWKWARD. Does anyone actually get turned on?
To add even MORE pressure to the situation, the dude who called me last night called me from Ibiza, so every minute was costing him God knows what, so I totally felt like I had to make the call worth his money! OMG! HOW do prostitutes deal with this kind of pressure!?!?
I told him I'd never had phone sex before, and I felt totally nervous and awkward. So I tried to talk him out of it.
"You're in Ibiza! Why are you talking to me? You shouldn't be having phone sex. You should be having REAL SEX! Get out there and bang any girl you want! I don't care at all. Seriously!"Fuck. I was totally on the hook for this. So I figured, what the hell? I'll give it my best effort and try it out. I mean, I'm not going to get good unless I practice. And, fortunately, I already have the perfect voice for phone sex (yes, my voice, though manly, can also come across as being very sensual when I'm in the right mood), so I really only needed the content.
"But I'm rock hard thinking about YOU."
I got naked and got down to business.
The next 68 minutes might have been the most awkward 68 minutes of MY ENTIRE LIFE.
Here are my problems with phone sex.
First, it involves me talking. And when I talk, I'm never serious. I can't utter more than three sentences without making some ridiculous smartass remark. And apparently, wisecracks kind of kill the mood during phone sex.
"And there's a girl eating my pussy. She has brown hair because I'm not attracted to blondes. Ugh! And she, unlike me, has big beautiful breasts because she suckered her boyfriend, who is now her ex, into buying her implants. Would you buy me implants? Oh sorry. Off topic. Where was I? Oh yeah. Anyway, this ho is hot and has low self-esteem, as evidenced by her fake tits and willingness to join us for this threesome. It's too bad her skin isn't as soft as an Asian's."Second, it involves having to describe my fantasies. This is a problem for me because 95% of my fantasies would disturb and turn off a man.
"A 55 year-old billionaire picks me up in his Bentley and throws a wad of hundred dollar bills in my face."So I end up having to try to make one up on the spot, which is just way too much pressure!
"No, I don't like that one."
"Fuck!"
"Okay, so let's imagine that this girl...uhhh...what do you like? I dunno! Shit... So this girl is licking your dick while I'm making out with you. And then... ummm... Fuck! So... Hmmm..."Do you feel awkward just reading this? Well, you should. Because I WANTED TO DIE. It was worse than the night I lost my virginity. The first time I had sex, all I needed to do was spread 'em and hold back the tears. This phone sex thing actually required THINKING.
I considered looking up some kind of script online, but I realized that that would mean I'd have my vibrator on my clit, my cellphone in one hand, and my laptop on me, but I was was like, dude, I'm not setting up a fucking phone sex control center to give this guy an orgasm.
About 30 minutes into the call, I came, and he still hadn't. He kept asking me to make him come, and there was nothing that I could say that would work!
Only one fantasy quasi-worked: "Okay, let's imagine that there's a girl going down on me, and you're banging her from behind..."
And before he could come, his phone died.
Worst. Phone sex. Ever.
He would've had a better shot coming if he dialed up Domino's Pizza. Or a Shell gas station. Or his mom.
If I were him, I'd send me an invoice for that phone bill. Fuck! I'll probably just write him a check because I feel so shitty about it.
And so I've added phone sex to my list of Things to Never Do Again Because You Suck So So Horribly.
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