I Was Propositioned

It's not unusual for a man to show up on a woman's doorstep shortly after 2 AM. It happens to me all the time. It once happened as late as 3:30 AM. Yes, I tend to have that effect on men. And by "effect," I obviously mean Will Put Out At Any Hour.

But I recently learned that I have another "effect" on men.

A male friend of mine - let's call him Slumber Party - called me at 2 AM and asked to come over TO TALK and NOT TOUCH AT ALL. In his words, it would be "strictly platonic."

It seemed like a weird but harmless proposition, but before I could decide, he was ALREADY AT MY FUCKING DOOR.

And so Slumber Party and I got under the covers, stayed up late gossiping and joking around, and remained fully clothed the entire time. We even slept on opposite sides of the bed.

It was a platonic sleepover.

A man literally wanted to come over and lie next to me so he could LAUGH AT MY FUCKING JOKES ALL NIGHT!

And this is the second "effect" that I have on men. Men want to hang out with me and chat with me all night. And they especially love telling me about the other girls they're dating. But they don't want to touch me. I've actually had TWO straight men sleep beside me in bed WITH THEIR ARMS CROSSED! Hahahaha! As stiff, rigid, and uninterested as mummies!

This cracks me up because all of my other girlfriends are COMPLETELY unable to maintain a platonic relationship with a male friend, whereas I can have men DRUNK and IN MY BED at 2 AM and still ... NOTHING!

It's not that I wanted anything to happen. Believe me, I didn't.

But I'm just sayin! Don't my boobs look at least slightly tantalizing? Not even the left one, which is slightly larger?!?!

FUUUUUUUCK! I'm getting implants. I'm over having 527 platonic male friends. Someone needs to cop a fucking feel before I kill myself.