Step aside, OPRAH, a new humanitarian is in town.

How do you know when you’re having unusually bad travel woes? Could it be when you’ve already finished your in-flight movie, exhausted your laptop battery, AND caught up with an old friend on the phone all before the damn plane has even taken off? Yes, this happened to me because life kicks my ass from every angle, like it is Bruce Lee and I am merely a fat, middle-aged Chuck Norris fan. I was on a flight that was delayed SIX HOURS on the tarmac, so, needless to say, I had some time to think about things. Mostly, I thought about what kind of pizza I’d order once I finally arrived in NY [it ended up being a crispy, thin-crusted delight topped with basil and mushrooms].

But during the remaining 10 minutes, another thing popped into my mind -- my admiration for the humanitarian nature of this blog. This isn’t just a flurry of vulgar, meaningless ranting. This is me being real and completely open to reveal the indignity of what dating is like for an Ivy-educated, fit, attractive, confident, highly-paid, witty, charismatic girl in her 20-s, which is a common persona with which I’m sure every woman identifies. It’s like when we look at those girls in magazines and movies and think to ourselves, “OMG, she looks JUST like me!”

So then I thought to myself, as a self-proclaimed humanitarian, how do I want the generous blessing of my words to be used by those in need (i.e., all of you)?

I came up with the many ways that I believe my words serve as a lifeboat beside the capsizing shipwrecks that are your lives:

• If you have a girlfriend who wants to start “dating other people,” my writing would immediately convince her that it would be better to put up with your fucking bullshit than to deal with the other bullshit out there. I mean, at least YOUR bullshit is familiar. The rest of the bullshit out there will totally blindside her and fuck with her will to live, as it has done to me. Well, all of this assumes that you’re not beating her, in which case, you’re just fucked. Also, fuck you!

• If a man has ever said to you, “Girls have it WAY easier!” my writing directly slaps him in the face and kicks him in the balls. All men who make that comment deserve to feel that pain for they obviously know nothing about our suffering.

• If you’re a woman, my writing makes you feel better about your own love life because it couldn’t possibly be a bigger shitshow than mine. And if it is, don’t EVEN try to compete with my blog because you will never be as funny as I am. Skank. Just get back to working on your tan and whining to your girlfriends over brunch about how you’ll “never lower your standards.”

• If you’re a man, my writing teaches you what not to do, such as be ugly. It also gives you a glimpse into what women really think about love and dating, which is that when it comes to love and dating, we’re fucking ape-shit crazy.

• If you’re an impressionable youth, my writing shows you the multitudinous, wondrous, and – dare I say it -- MOVING usages of the word “fuck.” This contribution is perhaps the greatest addition to writing since Shakespeare’s iambic pentameter. If you don’t know who Shakespeare is, don’t worry about finding his work. Just keep reading my blog. It’s very similar. Sometimes, I think that he was reborn in me.

Where'd he get that cash from? He got it from his mama.

The one you're about to hear is a DOOZY. It's a prime example of why I now believe that it's okay to ask obnoxious screening questions before committing to a first date.

I was feeling adventurous, so I agreed to have drinks after work with a quasi-cute guy who seemed pretty nice. I met him at a bar that I chose because it's gorgeous and has an awesome happy hour deal. The awkwardness and hideousness of this tale is best expressed, I feel, in the format of a script. My date's character shall be called "Muni," which also happens to be the name of the San Francisco bus system. My name shall be "Alexis" in order to protect my identity and the feelings of those about whom I so honestly blog.

SCENE: The outdoor patio of a trendy bar in San Francisco.

Muni: Hi, Alexis ! Nice to see you!
Alexis: Hey, Muni! Thanks for coming all the way over here for drinks!

[Muni and Alexis sit down at a table for two, peruse the menu, and order a round or drinks.]

Alexis: So how was work today? You're a teacher, right?
Muni: Yes, but I didn't work today.
Alexis: Oh, really? Why not?
Muni: I'm a substitute teacher. I'm still trying to get my teaching credential.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "WTF?!?! You're 28 years old and you don't even have a full time job?!?!]

Alexis: Well, that's great. Teaching is a really noble profession, and I know that male teachers are really in demand. So where in the city do you live?
Muni: On Street I Forgot and Street I Forgot.
Alexis: Cool! Do you have roommates or do you live alone?
Muni: I live with my parents.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "OH HELLZ TO THE NO. FUCK THIS SHIT!"]

Alexis: Ohhhhhh... COOL. So what do you do when you're not teaching?
Muni: Ummm... I lift weights.
Alexis: Awesome. Do you like to run? I love running outside.
Muni: I can't run because of my knees.
Alexis: Awww, that's too bad. So what else do you like to do in your free time?
Muni: I like watching wrestling.

[The check comes, and it totals $10.]

Alexis: Do you want me to pay for half?
Muni: Yeah, that would be awesome!

[Alexis thinks to herself, "NO, he di-n't!!!" Alexis literally puts $7 on the table (to help cover the tip as well) and vows to herself that she's done with this man. Alexis DOES NOT date men who live with their MOTHERS because Alexis is not 14 years old. Alexis is a grown woman who needs to find a man who has moved out of his parents' house and who has a full-time job. Alexis decides that this date must end IMMEDIATELY.]

Alexis: Well, it was great meeting you. I have to run! I'm actually going to go catch a basketball game at [SF Bar].
Muni: Cool! That sounds like fun! I think I'll join you! How are you getting there? Are you taking the bus?
Alexis: Yeah, I was...
Muni: Great. Let's go.

[Alexis thinks to herself, "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Alexis and Muni board a bus to the bar. The ride is painful. Alexis holds back tears as Muni tells her about how he had posted a Craigslist Missed Connection the prior week about a hot girl he had seen at the gym. Alexis and Muni arrive at the bar.]

Alexis: I'm hungry. I'm going to order nachos.
Muni: That sounds good. Can I split it with you?

[Alexis thinks, "NO! GO AWAY! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"]

Alexis: Yeah, sure!

[Hours of a basketball game pass as Alexis and Muni split nachos over very little conversation. Of course, the game goes into overtime. OF COURSE! The check comes.]

Alexis: I can get it.
Muni: Cool!
Alexis: It's getting late. I'd better get home.
Muni: Can I walk you home?
Alexis: No, I don't want you to know where I live.
Muni: [laughs]
Alexis: [laughs] Bye!!!

[Alexis walks home, vowing she will never date another man again. She occasionally turns around to make sure that Muni is not watching her to see where she lives. She arrives home and goes to bed, snuggled up closely to the feeling that she experiences after every date -- REGRET.]


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Questions it's okay to ask a man before you agree to go on a date with him: Do you have a full-time job? Do you live at home with your mother? Are you too poor to take me out on a $10 date?
   
2. On a bad date, NEVER tell a man you're going somewhere afterward because you could end up going on a 6-hour date that should have ended after 30 minutes. Just say you're going home to sleep. Even if it's 6 PM. Fuck it! Lie! Do whatever it takes to shake him! To be extra certain he won't try to follow you, throw in a comment about how you were totally joking about being from town and that you're actually from Siberia but are leaving the next morning, never to return because you're terminally ill!
   

Shoo, Ugly, don't bother me.

My apologies to all of the ugly men of the world, but I've learned that an ugly man cannot grow on me.

I went on a first date with a guy who looked like Cro Magnon Man. The Old Me would have said, "Oh HELLLLLLLLZ no!" and busted out of that joint so quickly, but New Open-Minded Me decided to give this guy a chance because he had the potential to be socially unawkward, unlike all of my other dates.

Cro Magnon Man had a decent job (dentist), and he was from California, like me. He was also VERY NICE to me, constantly praising me for being cool, nice, hot, etc. Blah blah, I hear it all the time.

ANYWAY, I felt absolutely no chemistry with Cro Magnon Man during our first date, but I agreed to go on a second date with him, so we arranged a dinner at a nearby sushi restaurant that I love.

Dinner was fun, but my loins burned for him with the passion and heat of our raw sushi dinner. I decided that continuing this any further would only be leading this poor caveman on, so I decided that it was time to pull the rip cord on this not-being-shallow bullshit that everyone keeps trying to sell me on! I was over it! How am I supposed to date a guy if I am repulsed by the idea of him touching me?!?! FUCK THAT! That's BS!

So I conveniently planned an "out" by telling him that I had to leave at 10 because I was meeting a girlfriend at a club to see Ashley Simpson. I thought that surely this would get rid of him. It was FUCKING ASHLEY SIMPSON. I was literally going to watch Ashley Simpson lip sync her ass off, which should have been the most perfectly crafted escape hatch from this dungeon that Cro Magnon Man thought was a date.

Once again, because my life FUCKING SUCKS and is full of nonstop awkwardness, torture, and unrequited affection, Cro Magnon Man chimed in, "I'll come, too!"

FUCK! I am AWFUL at untangling myself from dates when the dude is actually nice, so, of course, I cheerfully proclaim, "Yeah, that would be awesome! Let's go!"

So we go to a club to meet my friend, and we wait around in this club for Ashley's emergence. Meanwhile, Cro Magnon Man can't keep his hands off me and keeps trying to kiss me because for some reason men think that being in a club makes grinding and making out in public socially acceptable. I spend my evening trying to run away from Cro Magnon Man, and I was at the point where I wanted to just run out of the club because his advances were becoming increasingly awkward to avoid. You can only turn your cheek to a kiss so many times. HOWEVER, I paid good money to see that ho Ashley "perform," so I didn't want to leave until I at least saw her!

BITCH didn't come out until one fucking thirty AM. In other words, it was a loooooooooong night with Cro Magnon Man.

Ashley danced around and pretended to sing, and she looked GORGEOUS. As soon as she was done, I grabbed my friend and told her we were getting the fuck out of there. We tried to bolt out of the club, but Cro Magnon Man found me and literally ditched his friend (who had met us at the club) to chase after me and climb into our cab!! FUCK!! It was like trying to lose Sherlock Holmes!!

So what did I do to finally shake this dude? I pretended I was sick and dropped him off! Then, my girlfriend and I got dropped off at another bar and proceeded to drink until the pain went away.


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't give nice, ugly guys a chance. Men can grow on you, but not the ones who physically repulse you from the get-go. There's a difference between "He's sorta cute, but I'm not so sure" and "WTF?! Did homie ride here on a brontosaurus?!"
   
2. Ashley Simpson is way hotter than Jessica. Like WAY.
3. Don't assume that you can get rid of a man by mentioning "lame" plans. If a man wants to do you, he'll go ANYWHERE.
   

I need to stop getting drunk, generally, but on dates, especially. One step at a time. One step at a time.

Apparently, getting hammered on a date is a no-no. I don't know this for a fact. I'm just basing this on a pattern that I've noticed, which is that after I get wasted on a date, I never EVER hear from the dude again. Yet I keep fucking doing it!! I'm an idiot, I know.

So in order to try to convince myself to stop this filthy habit, I racked my brain for a list of reasons why the the drunken dates need to stop, and here are the best ones I could come up with:

• Because you slur your words and mutter incomprehensibly
  

• Because you spit so much when you talk that it rains on your date's face like Hurricane Andrew
  

• Because when you think you're whispering sexily into his ear you're actually screaming like the wailing hiss of death
  

• Because you might trip and knock out your two front teeth (this actually happened to a dear friend of mine)
  

• Because you might puke out the window of the car and then fall out of the car and onto the lawn with your left breast fully exposed (this actually happened to me)
  

• Because it's hard to tell whether you've had consensual sex or were date raped

Pretty good reasons, eh? I think I'm convinced. Let the NEAR-sober dating begin. Hey, I said one step at a time! Chill out! It's not like YOU have to date me. Well, unless you want to, in which case I'd like to direct you to the email address at the top right of this page.


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't get sloshed because the above listed items will happen.
   
2. Don't black out in bed next to a man you don't trust. Wait, back up. Don't get wasted with a man you don't trust because he might end up next to you in bed as you are blacked out. I know, I know. I, too, enjoy convincing myself that the hot ones ARE TRUSTWORTHY and only have my best interests at heart, just like the nerdy-looking, Stanford-educated ones, but really, this is not the case. The hotter they are, the more likely it is they'll stick it in when (or WHERE) you least expect it.
   

If you withhold sex after a man cooks, YOUR ASS is fried!

Apparently, if a man cooks you dinner, he thinks that his spatula is a ticket to your vagina. I learned this the hard way during date #3 with a boy whom I shall affectionately refer to as "Dine and Dash."

Dine and Dash invited me to his place for dinner, where we cooked an amazing dinner together. We're not talking the amateurish spaghetti bullshit that a lot of guys cook to try to get into your pants. We're talking steak and bacon-wrapped dates. Dine and Dash was SERIOUS.

Unfortunately for him, seeing as how this was only date #3, I was SERIOUSLY not ready to put out, so when he tried to bust out a condom on me, I hurled it across the room and laughed in his face (playfully, of course... I think). Well, apparently Dine and Dash didn't take this too well because despite what I thought was a romantic and splendid evening, I never heard from him again.

You're probably thinking that perhaps he dumped me for reasons other than my prudish ways. I, too, contemplated this thought for 2 milliseconds before realizing that this is not possible for I am an unbelievable catch.

[Sadly, I continue to run into Dine and Dash as he lives 4 blocks from me. I last saw him walking to a yoga class, and I immediately hid behind a car because I was wearings sweats and looking like complete ass (even I cannot look do-able at ALL times). Hopefully, someday this blog will become immensely popular and he'll read this and know exactly who he is.]


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't let a man cook you dinner until you're ready to put out because he'll be pissed off if he doesn't get some after all of that work. If you do mistakenly let him cook for you when it's too early for sex, at least give him head. Kidding. This isn't what I did. Mom, dad, you're not reading this, right?
   
2. You need to carefully define what makes a man geographically desirable. You want to be able to see him often without hauling your ass across a town, lake, or ocean. You don't want to constantly run into him at your local library or bus stop. If you make this mistake, you will no longer be able to roam around without make-up and with your hair in a ponytail. You'll have to wear heels even when you go to Walgreens. ARE YOU READY FOR THAT COMMITMENT?

If you think I'm giving you dirty looks, it's because I am.

I agreed to meet a guy for coffee. He wasn't just any guy. He was a DOCTOR, so I already went into this date thinking that this guy would have to fuck up BIG TIME in order to not get a second date. I was almost blinded by the halo surrounding his head when I first laid eyes upon him. Am I a gold digger? No, but I'm tired of dating men who live with their parents or haven't read a book since Green Eggs and Ham (although it is a masterpiece).

We sit down to chat, and the doctor begins loudly questioning me with Awkward First Date Questions that cue in every fucking customer to the fact that we're on a first date, which I find completely horrifying and unnatural. So henceforth, I will call him Dr. Loud Fuckup. Anyhow, I try to answer his questions with a low volume in order to see if he will respond as any normal person would, which would be to also lower their volume. But of course, because this is MY LIFE, he's completely oblivious and continues peppering me with his Awkward First Date Questions loudly enough for me to check my phone to make sure there isn't a 17th person who is listening in on this mess.

Dr. Loud Fuckup tells me about his life, and I must admit, it is FABULOUS. He works only 3 days a week and owns houses all over the place. He also has really exciting hobbies, like helicopter snowboarding. But as this freakshow is telling me these stories, he does so with his ridiculously loud voice that has become a complete distraction to me. My irritation grows to anger, and when I am angry, it's obvious because my face is the mirror into my black soul.

Interestingly, Dr. Loud Fuckup actually PICKS UP on the fact that I am giving him the look of death every time he speaks because he actually called me out on it OVER THREE TIMES by saying, "Oh my god! Stop giving me such a dirty look!" While it is odd (and surprisingly refreshing) for me to be called out for being a total bitch, I'm relieved because at least I know that once this dreadful date is over, I'll never have to see or hear this monster again.

WRONG!

Cut to 3 days later when I receive a call from a number not yet in my phonebook. I let my curiosity get the best of me and actually pick up only to hear, hollering at the top of his lungs as usual, on the other end of the line Dr. Loud Fuckup himself! He fucking tricked me by calling from another number! AND he called me to hang out again even though I sat there during our date imagining ways I'd like to witness his death. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. In order to reject a man, you must do more than just shoot him consistent venomous looks throughout the date. You must actually use the words, "I absolutely hate you. Never call me again. Thanks for the coffee though. Toot-a-loo!" (Men like when you are thankful when they pay)
   
2. Don't pick up the phone when an unknown number calls because most likely it is a sneaky and unusually loud doctor trying to trick you into talking to him again.
3. Meet for dates in places that are very loud, just in case your date happens to sound like he is talking into a megaphone at all times. This way, the Awkward First Date Questions will be drowned out by all of the hullabaloo of the environment.
   

Q: What do you do if you're on a date with a guy whom you suspect is gay?

Disclaimer: Why are you asking ME for advice? Would you ask a teen mom where she sees her career in 5 years?! Oh well, fuck it!

Answer: DITCH HIS GAY ASS! Are you kidding me with that question?

Okay, in all seriousness, you might someday go on a date with someone whom you suspect is gay. This has happened to me on several occasions because gay men are drawn to my strong personality, impeccable style, and quick wit. Oh yeah, they like cocky bitches, too.

Anyhoo, I agreed to meet this dude, let's call him Tinkerbell (Tinks for short), at a sports bar. Do you want to know what Tinks showed up wearing? A turquoise polo shirt. I was like, are we in Nantucket? WTF?!?!

I let this slide and didn't run out the side door because I really am trying to be more open-minded.

We then discussed our drink orders, and Tinks tells me he thinks he's going to get a COSMO a la Sex and the City. I looked at him, waiting for him to start busting out laughing out loud. He didn't. I kept waiting. He didn't. My heart started racing, and I realized, this motherfucker is gay! Tinks is fucking gay! He is literally ordering a cosmo at a sports bar!

But again, I do not yet run out the door because this is the new open-minded me. Perhaps he is a secure, modern man who just enjoys cosmos! Yes, that's it. PLEASE LET THAT BE IT.

We start talking more, and I am distracted by his voice and hand gestures. Is Tink's voice more feminine than mine? Indeed, it is. Is he signing to me? WHAT is going on with his hands?

OMG HE IS GAY! HE IS TOTALLY GAY!

Now, I have absolutely nothing against the gays. Half of my best friends are gay, but I don't date them. We shop together, and they tell me how fabulous I look in my Hermes scarves, but that's it.

Anyhow, back to the story, I had to draw the line. This boy was obviously completely confused, and I am not going to be that girl who taught a man that he was actually gay. So I busted out of that bar and shouted, "Taxi!" and left his ass in the dust. And I still believe that was the mature solution.

LESSONS LEARNED:

1. If a man shows up to a date wearing a pastel shirt, pretend you didn't see him and leave the scene immediately.
2. If he catches you trying to walk out, scream out "Keep away, gay boy!" and just start running. Don't look back because it'll just slow you down. I know from experience.
   
3. If a man drinks any of the following drinks, he is gay: cosmo, appletini, anything pink or red. Take that drink and chug it. Then leave. Apply lesson #2 if necessary.
   

Translation of a Man's Profile ==> Reality

Anyone involved in the world of online dating should read this post because I've taken the time to dissect stories about the divergence between how men describe themselves in personal ads and what's going on in real life.

• He claims he's 5'8" ==> Trust me, he is 5'6" (Universal formula: Posted Height - 2 inches = Actual Height)

• Describes his body type as being "average" ==> He hasn't run a mile since P.E. and drinks beer rather than water to quench his thirst. He will most certainly possess saggy man boobs.
  

• Uses blurry photo where he looks hot ==> He looks nothing like that in person, and he will most definitely not be hot. Also, you will not find hot men online. Hot men do not need to use the internet to pick up women. They can get laid as long as they can stumble all the way to the whore's house without puking. Sometimes, if a girl is desperate enough, she will pick up the puke-covered man, take him home, clean him up, and do him anyway. This is only what I've heard.
  

• Does not use a photo at all but when you meet him he is attractive ==> He is married or has a girlfriend and is lookin' for some side action. Be prepared to run into him on the street as he is pushing a stroller next to his pregnant wife.
  

• He says that his friends describe him as being "attractive" or "good-looking" ==> He is an idiot because no one ever says those words to a man. Those are words reserved to pump up the self-esteem of insecure girls.

• He's "not looking for anything too serious" ==> He has no desire to get to know you. After you put out, you'll never hear from him again, unless you're a freak-a-leak. Guys will keep freak-a-leaks around for a little longer. I also don't know this from experience; again, this is only what I've heard.
  

• He's only been doing this online thing "for a few weeks" ==> He's a total liar, and I guarantee you he's been doing this for months or maybe even years.

Mmmhmm... Online dating is a hot mess.

The Professor, The Magician

I went on a second date with a guy whom I shall refer to as "The Professor" because he is an actual professor and because he is so insignificant to me that I have already forgotten his name less than one month after our second date.

The Professor had been the perfect gentleman on date #1. He asked thoughtful questions, he opened doors, he walked me home, etc. , so I decided that he deserved a date #2. On date #2, however, The Professor stopped behaving like a gentleman and started acting like a complete creepster.

The Professor and I started the night off at a wine bar, and the date had gotten off to a hectic start because my power went out as I was looking up directions to our restaurant, so I showed up slightly late and with wet hair (since I couldn't use my blow dryer either). During dinner, he kindly offered to help me get my power back on at the end of the night, and I accepted.

The evening proceeded, and I started to get slightly creeped out because The Professor started asking overly sexual questions and making filthy jokes, such as "What's your favorite sexual position?" and "If you came to my office hours, I'd bend you over my desk and spank you." These remarks should have been red flags, but I was drunk at this point and laughed them off. Also, I really wanted someone to turn my power back on.

We then went to my house so that he could do whatever it was he needed to do with my fuse box so that I could continue living a life full of light and internet access. The Professor fiddled around in my garage, and we returned to my room so that I could test my power and internet. I opened up my computer to see if everything was working, and when I turned around, The Professor was standing before me wearing nothing but skin-tight, black BOXER BRIEFS (his body was sick, but that's beside the point)! Somehow, in the 4 seconds that I had my back turned, The Professor had QUICKLY, SILENTLY, and MAGICALLY removed nearly all of his clothing like he was fucking Houdini. I had to cover my mouth to keep from laughing in his earnest face because it was the most desperate, weird, and shocking thing I had ever witnessed. He then tried to put the moves on me, but I was so creeped out that I, of course, didn't even want him touching me. I really just wanted him to leave, so I had to actually say to him, "I think it's really weird how you took your clothes off while my back was turned. Could you please put your clothes back on and leave?" Thankfully, he accommodated my requests and was out the door within minutes.

Needless to say, there was no date #3.


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't invite someone to your place at the beginning of the date. There's still too much time for things to turn awkward, and then you'll be stuck having to figure out how to uninvite them to your place.
   
2. Don't turn your back on a creep for more than 2 seconds because he could get naked on you.
3. Don't date professors.
4. Learn how to use your fuse box so that you don't have to invite a creepy professor into your home to teach you how to turn your power back on.
   
5. It's weird for someone to talk about wanting to spank you on a second date.
6. All men are idiots, even the highly educated ones.