Boo, Don't Be Afraid

This is one letter in a series of letters to My Future Boo ("The One" who has yet to discover and appreciate me).

Dear Boo,

It has come to my attention that perhaps you're not trying hard enough to find me because you think you're not ready to settle down yet.

Most likely, this is because you fear a few things:
(1) only having one pussy to bang the rest of your life;
(2) leading the boring life of a married man;
(3) I'll let myself go and you'll be stuck with me;
(4) I'll spend all your money; and
(5) you think you can do better.

I agree that these things sound dreadful. I love you so much that I wouldn't want you to endure those things either.

So here's what I propose:

(1) You can bang other girls even after we're married. We can discuss the frequency that I'll allow this to happen once we actually meet, but I just want you to know that it's cool with me. My only requirement is that she be a complete bimbo because I know you'd never leave me for a stupid whore. So if she's hotter than I am, great. Younger than I am? Obvi. Illiterate and unable to read a Stop sign? Perfect. Bang the shit out of her. Of course I'll be fucking other men as well because married people share everything, including the right to fuck outside the marriage.

(2) As for the second point, you're only afraid you won't have fun because you haven't met me yet! I'm seriously the most fun girl ever created. You want costumes? Stripper shoes? A pole? A third? You got it. Just ask any of the hundreds of men who have already fucked me. They'll all confirm that they had a BLAST with me. I've probably fucked at least 4 of your friends, so you could start by asking them. Isn't that convenient? You're marrying such a thoughtful girl.

(3) This one is just stupid. I will NEVER let myself go. Don't you realize how vain and competitive I am? I'll never stop counting calories, working out, or wearing ridiculously expensive clothing and high heels. Because those are the things that define me. I'm nothing without them. Just like you're nothing without me. Yes, you're marrying someone with true depth. You lucky Boo you.

(4) I won't spend all your money because you'll make so much that it's not even possible! What a silly thing to worry about. You'll definitely make enough lettuce to support my shoe fetish. Isn't a $30,000/year shoe budget just a drop in the bucket for you? That's like only 30 pairs of shoes per year. Come on! You can TOTALLY afford that.

(5) Honey. It doesn't get better than this. I never promise anything I can't deliver, and I'm promising you a lifetime filled with laughter, witty banter, high-end labels, massive shit talking (about our "friends," not each other), adventure, and, of course, our old bestie - alcohol. And low on filters, boundaries, budgets, and carbs. Clearly, I'm the ideal woman. Don't you feel as though I was made just for you?

I know what you're thinking, Boo. Our marriage sounds AMAZING. I'm super excited about it, too. :)

Now that I've convinced you to find me, I have just one more thing to say:
HURRY THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING RETARD.

While I may be growing more tan, mature, and sexually experienced every day, I'm not getting any younger. Get your shit together, find me, and lock my ass down. The sooner you do it, the lower my "number" will be when we meet. We wouldn't my "number" to have a comma in it now would we? Of course not. Better act quickly then.

I'm ready for you.

I love you SO MUCH.

But I don't have time to discuss this further because I'm off to Saks! See you in 6 hours.


The perfect woman,
Me