Sex? Ewww!

As you all know, I'm Asian. What you may not know (unless you're Asian as well) is that Asian parents never talk to their kids about sex. NEVER EVER. No matter what. If I told my mom I was raped, she'd respond by saying, "So when are you going to apply to business school? You'll never be successful without a graduate degree!"

This means that Asian parents never have The Sex Talk with their kids. This includes my parents.

So I learned what sex was from a very mature, much wiser girl. She was 10, and I was 8.

The conversation went something like this.

Sage 10 Year-Old: "You don't know how babies are made? Do you want me to tell you?"

Innocent Me: "Yes, tell me please."

Sage 10 Year-Old: "It's soooo gross. Men and women have sex, and this is where the man puts his penis IN the woman's vagina."

Innocent Me: "Ewwwww! No way! Oh my god! That's so disgusting! Why would anyone do that? I would never let anyone do that to me! Would you?"

Sage 10-Year Old: "Of course not! I'm having babies the NORMAL way!"

Innocent Me: "What's that?"

Sage 10-Year Old: "Oh. You can just have a doctor help you. You can just take a pill."

Innocent Me: "Ohhhhhh. I'm totally doing that, too. Why would anyone else do it the other way? It's so disgusting. I'm NEVER doing that."

Yep. That's how it went down. And I still feel the same way about sex. I think it's TOTALLY NASTY. Unless I'm drunk, which -- fortunately for Boo and unfortunately for my reputation -- is 90% of the time. When I'm wasted, sex is the #2 thing I want most in life, right after pizza.

But I don't want my offspring learning about sex from some random idiot kid next door. This would be ridiculous. Especially when their mother is a fucking Sexpert like me. It would be like Oprah Winfrey refusing to teach her kids about media. Or Julia Childs refusing to teach her kids how to cook. Or Pocahontas not teaching her kids how to save white imperialists from starvation. Fucking absurd, right? It's so absurd I can't stand it.

So I'm going to have The Sex Talk, and I'm going to prep like hell for it. In other words, I'll have a script memorized and ready to go before my kids are even born. Hell, why wait until then? I'll have it ready before I've even met daddy (Boo)!

In other words, I'm going to draft it now. I'm starting a new series called Conversations with Boo, Jr., and my first one is below.

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Sit down, my love. Mommy is going to teach you about how babies are made!"

Boo, Jr.: "I don't care. I'm only three."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Sweetie, you're never too young to learn about sex."

Boo, Jr.: "What's that? Can daddy teach me instead? I want daddy."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "No, daddy is busy at work buying another company."

Boo, Jr.: "But it's Saturday!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "I know. It makes me sad when daddy is gone on Saturdays, too. But you know what cheers mommy up? Remembering that daddy is gone so that we can live in this 50,000 square foot estate with all of our cooks and servants. Don't you love our big family of helpers?"

Boo, Jr.: "Yes, especially nanny Eloisa, who reads me bedtime stories after you fall asleep at 8 o'clock. Why do you call her Helper #4?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "What? Yes, Helper #4 is wonderful. Is her name Eloisa? Good for her for learning enough English to read your children's books to you."

Boo, Jr.: "Eloisa was born here like you. She only speaks English."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Isn't it funny when your friends call our house a 'castle?'"

Boo, Jr.: "Hahahah! Yes, mommy, I love it!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Me, too, baby. My friends do it, too. It makes mommy feel so good. But back to the reason why I pulled you away from your Latin lesson. Mommy wants to teach you about sex."

Boo, Jr.: "Okay. Is it fun? Is it a game?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "You're wise beyond your years! Yes, it is a VERY fun game. And you know what's really cool? It's one of the few games out there you can play by yourself, with one other person, or as a multi-player game with an unlimited number of players! Doesn't that sound great?"

Boo, Jr.: "Yes! I wanna play now!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Haha! That's my boy! Hold on, my little horndog. I have a lot more to teach you before you try it!"

[I pinch Boo Jr.'s cheeks playfully.]

Mom of the Millennium (me): "You know what else makes sex the best game ever? Unlike ANY OTHER GAME, you're never too tired to play, you never get sick of it, it becomes more fun the more you do it, AND you can play it as much as you want with ANYONE ANYWHERE, ANYTIME! Doesn't that sound amazing?"

Boo, Jr.: "Yes! It sounds like the best game ever!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "It really is. Mommy wishes she had invented it herself. But mommy is so good at it that daddy always says that he feels as though mommy had invented it!"

Boo, Jr.: "Wow!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes, mommy is one of the best and most experienced players in the world."

Boo, Jr.: "So how do you play?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Well, there's an infinite number of ways to play! If you liked trying on mommy's shoes, then I could tell you about how you would play with another boy, but since you prefer playing catch with daddy, I'll explain how you would play with another girl."

Boo, Jr.: "Ew! I don't wanna play with a girl!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "It's not that bad playing with another girl! Mommy has done it many times. I'm sure you'll LOVE IT, honey."

Boo, Jr.: "Okay, if you say so. I guess I should listen to you because daddy says that you're always right."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Awww. That was sweet of him. Daddy is a very smart man. He may not be beautiful like mommy, but he's definitely very smart. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was about to explain to you how you would have sex with a girl. So you know how you use Little Boo, Jr. to go pee pee?"

Boo, Jr.: "Yes."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Well, Little Boo, Jr. has a lot more power than that. Someday, Little Boo, Jr. will grow big and strong like daddy's."

Boo, Jr.: "Really? How big and strong?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "See mommy's thigh? As big as that. And as strong as Helper #27."

Boo, Jr.: "Your personal trainer, Chris?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yeah, whatever. As strong as Jim."

Boo, Jr.: "His name is Chris."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "And when Little Boo, Jr. grows big and strong, you'll be able to do more things with him. And the way the game sex works is that you take Little Boo, Jr. and stick Little Boo, Jr. in a girl in any of her holes where Little Boo, Jr. will fit."

Boo, Jr.: "What? Why? How is that fun?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Because when Little Boo, Jr. becomes big and strong, this will be the BEST feeling in the world. Something unlike anything else."

Boo, Jr.: "Okay, if you say so. And how do you know who wins the game?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Well, the game ends when Little Boo, Jr. does something called 'blowing a load.' This is when a really delicious white fluid called semen squirts out of Little Boo, Jr."

Boo, Jr.: "Like pee? And does it really taste good? How do you know?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "It's nothing like pee, and yes, semen tastes wonderful. I know because I've tasted semen from hundreds of men."

Boo, Jr.: "Do you swallow it?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "I don't have to, but I do it because it makes the game more fun. But sometimes when I play with daddy, he doesn't want me to swallow it because he likes to squirt it all over mommy's face."

Boo, Jr.: "Haha! That's funny! Like a watergun!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes!"

Boo, Jr.: "How often do you and daddy play sex together?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Twice a day! Every morning and every night. Sometimes, mommy visits daddy at work, and we play there, too. We also play in the Bentley, helicopter, swimming pool, and at our favorite restaurants. We've played almost everywhere!"

Boo, Jr.: "Wow. You guys play a lot."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes. I married daddy because he loves playing sex as much as I do. He also doesn't mind when I play with other people while he's at work."

Boo, Jr.: "Daddy is nice."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes. Yes, he is."

Boo, Jr.: "So how much longer until Little Boo, Jr. gets big and strong so I can play sex, too?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "How old are you now? Three? I think you'll be ready to play any day now. You'll know when you're ready."

Boo, Jr.: "How old were you the first time you played sex?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Haha! That's a funny story. Believe it or not, I didn't play sex for the first time until I was TWENTY! People lied to me and told me I was supposed to wait until I found someone I loved in order to play sex with them. If anyone ever tells this to you, DON'T believe them. Always remember that your mommy taught you that you can play sex with anyone. Anyway, when I finally realized that I didn't need to be in love to play sex, I played sex with a gorgeous mulatto in Mexico during spring break!"

Boo, Jr.: "And how do I decide which girl to play with?"

Mom of he Millennium (me): "Easy! Pick the prettiest girl who is willing to play with you. Try to find the girls who are energetic and consistently reveal a lot of skin like mommy. They'll be more fun."

Boo, Jr.: "Neat! It sounds easy! But if I play only with pretty girls, will the ugly girls get mad?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes, but ugly people know that no one wants to play sex with them because it's more work. When you play with someone ugly, you have to imagine that you're playing with someone pretty, and that's a waste of energy."

Boo, Jr.: "And you always say to never waste energy or time but money is A-okay!"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "That's right!"

Boo, Jr.: "This game sounds easy."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "It will be easy for you, pookie. Because you're handsome, rich, funny, and smart like daddy. When you're ready to play, girls will be lined up to play with you. I'm hoping that you have hundreds of playmates over the course of your life. Nothing would make me happier."

Boo, Jr.: "Thanks, mommy. You're the best."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Anything for you. Now run along. It's time for my Nooner with helpers #16 and 22. And then I need to go buy next week's wardrobe."

Boo, Jr.: "16 and 22? John and David? The boys who clean our pool without their shirts on because you won't let them wear them? Those shirts are weird anyway. They always have Greek letters on them."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "Yes, the pool boys! See you tomorrow, Boo, Jr!"

Boo, Jr.: "But it's lunchtime. I won't see you until tomorrow?"

Mom of the Millennium (me): "No. I'm going shopping for the rest of the day and will be fast asleep before you're done with soccer practice. Didn't you look at today's Excel schedule that I have projected on your bedroom wall?"

Boo, Jr.: "Oh yeah. And I have the laminated printout right here, on the lanyard like I wear it every day. I like that you plan all of my awake minutes, mommy. I never have to think about what to do next."

Mom of the Millennium (me): "We're both behind schedule now. Stop talking immediately and run along! No time for a hug! I'm taking the 'copter to Marc Jacobs' loft. Air kiss!"

For those of you out there who are too lazy to draft your own scripts for The Sex Talk, please feel free to use mine! I'm very generous, and I feel that it would be a great way for any child to learn about sex.

Also, if anyone has any contacts at The Disney Channel, hook me up! I imagine that they might want to make an after school special out of this script. What a great way for me to give back. Give, give, give. Sometimes I feel like that's all I ever do. God. I'm going to make an amazing mother someday.