Who's the fairest one of all?
ME!
And thank goodness for that. Because I've decided to become AUTOSEXUAL.
What does it mean to be autosexual? It means I don't need a fucking man. And that sounds great.
I've recently decided that I am my own best lover. I basically created a mental checklist of what I'm looking for in a mate and realized that I actually meet all of my own criteria!
Check it out:
Q: Who is able to make you come every time he / she tries?
A: ME!
Q: Who is the funniest person you know?
A: ME!
Q: Who is the best dressed person you know?
A: ME!
Q: Who is always free when you have time to play?
A: ME!
Q: Who's always buying you amazing dinners and fabulous shoes?
A: ME!
Q: Who always pushes you to work harder in order to dominate everyone else?
A: ME!
Q: Who has never once mistreated, disrespected, or annoyed you?
A: ME!
Q: Who would make a sex tape with you but never share it with anyone?
A: ME!
Q: Who is horny whenever you are?
A: ME!
God damnit! Why haven't I started fucking myself sooner? I LOVE myself!
No more hunting for men on Thursday nights. I'm going to stay in and invest in shitloads of very large mirrors that I shall place all over my bedroom and ceiling. And I'll masturbate to my own reflection. Every night.
Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Wedding invitations will be sent out shortly. Meanwhile, I'm registered at BevMo. Show me you love me by buying me booze.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Infidelity
This is one letter in a series of letters to My Future Boo ("The One" I've yet to meet).
Dear Boo,
I just found out that one of my best girlfriends was cheated on by her live-in boyfriend. They had been together for 5 years. She thought they were going to get married. And this girl is amazing - she's a 10, she makes bank, she's super fun, and she's a sweetheart. Basically, she = me + boobs + $ + a soul. And her DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON HER.
But don't worry, Boo. I know that you're different. You're better than he is, which is why I decided to marry you. I TOTALLY trust you. And more importantly, I know that you know that if you ever cheated on me, it would be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. Because you'd lose me. And I wouldn't look back, no matter how much you begged and no matter what sexual fantasies you offered to fulfill. Even the one where we have a threesome with a Playboy bunny in a Bentley.
But I don't need to say any of this to you because you love me and would never cheat on me. Not even with the busty Latina HR girl or the skinny Asian corporate lawyer. Even if they wanted to go down on you simultaneously. Right? Right.
And of course I don't need to talk about what the financial consequences would be if you cheated on me. I mean, we already went over this in detail when I talked you out of that prenup. But hypothetically speaking, just for shits and giggles, what would make you more angry - (1) losing half your assets to me or (2) knowing that I'd use those assets to replace you with someone smarter, younger, hotter, and funnier and to whom I'd intentionally do all the dirty things in bed that I always refused to do with you, just out of venomous spite? Tee hee.
But enough about infidelity. It's something we'll never have to deal with. Like being poor, unattractive, under-dressed, or unpopular. So not happening to us. EVER.
So glad we're both on the same page. We really ARE soul mates!
Love you, Boo!
[still not telling]
Dear Boo,
I just found out that one of my best girlfriends was cheated on by her live-in boyfriend. They had been together for 5 years. She thought they were going to get married. And this girl is amazing - she's a 10, she makes bank, she's super fun, and she's a sweetheart. Basically, she = me + boobs + $ + a soul. And her DOUCHEBAG BOYFRIEND CHEATED ON HER.
But don't worry, Boo. I know that you're different. You're better than he is, which is why I decided to marry you. I TOTALLY trust you. And more importantly, I know that you know that if you ever cheated on me, it would be the BIGGEST mistake of your life. Because you'd lose me. And I wouldn't look back, no matter how much you begged and no matter what sexual fantasies you offered to fulfill. Even the one where we have a threesome with a Playboy bunny in a Bentley.
But I don't need to say any of this to you because you love me and would never cheat on me. Not even with the busty Latina HR girl or the skinny Asian corporate lawyer. Even if they wanted to go down on you simultaneously. Right? Right.
And of course I don't need to talk about what the financial consequences would be if you cheated on me. I mean, we already went over this in detail when I talked you out of that prenup. But hypothetically speaking, just for shits and giggles, what would make you more angry - (1) losing half your assets to me or (2) knowing that I'd use those assets to replace you with someone smarter, younger, hotter, and funnier and to whom I'd intentionally do all the dirty things in bed that I always refused to do with you, just out of venomous spite? Tee hee.
But enough about infidelity. It's something we'll never have to deal with. Like being poor, unattractive, under-dressed, or unpopular. So not happening to us. EVER.
So glad we're both on the same page. We really ARE soul mates!
Love you, Boo!
[still not telling]
Is Romance Dead or Is It Just Avoiding the Shit Out of Me?
Consider this an update to my recent post on being a Sunday Night Girl. I've realized that there is one rung on the ladder below the Monday Night Girl. The girl I neglected is the Booty Text Girl.
Yes, at least the Monday Night Girl gets to hang out with a man who actually bothered to make plans in advance and schedule time with her, despite the less than desirable night of the week he offered.
The Booty Text Girl, on the other hand, gets no day of the week and doesn't get to mark her calendar with "Fuck Greg on 7/6." She just goes out with her girlfriends and maybe - just MAYBE - at 2 AM she'll get a text from "her man" that says "r u awake?"
The life of a Booty Text Girl is hard. Imagine never knowing for certain when your next fuck will be, living from fuck to fuck. How does she PLAN?! Does she make her bed every night before she goes out? Does she keep a toothbrush and condoms in her purse at all times? And does she still wax every weekend even if most weekends her soft hairless pussy will go unappreciated?!
God. I'd totally DIE if I were her.
Except...I think...I...AM...her. SHITFUCKITYFUCKFUCKSHITTYFUCK!!
I've been finding that none of the men I ever "date" actually ever schedule "dates" with me. There's no "Hey, let's do dinner on Thursday. What time do you get off work?"
Instead, I get a bunch of "I'll be out with my friends, but let's try to meet up afterward, if I'm still awake." Hahahah! Can you fucking believe that shit? TRY to meet up. IF I'M AWAKE.
GOD HELP ME.
Listen, I'm not even demanding that some dude court me the old-fashioned way like how it's portrayed on made-for-TV ABC Family romantic comedies. You know, when the dude cooks for the chick or takes her on cute excursions, like picnics and shit. All I'm asking is that FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE someone block off some time on my calendar IN ADVANCE and commit to it. And we don't even have to do anything special! We can fucking watch Netflix. Hell, I'LL even cook for HIS lazy ass! Is this too much to ask?!?! IS IT?!?!
UGH.
I am SO OVER dating. Where the fuck is My Future Boo.
Yes, at least the Monday Night Girl gets to hang out with a man who actually bothered to make plans in advance and schedule time with her, despite the less than desirable night of the week he offered.
The Booty Text Girl, on the other hand, gets no day of the week and doesn't get to mark her calendar with "Fuck Greg on 7/6." She just goes out with her girlfriends and maybe - just MAYBE - at 2 AM she'll get a text from "her man" that says "r u awake?"
The life of a Booty Text Girl is hard. Imagine never knowing for certain when your next fuck will be, living from fuck to fuck. How does she PLAN?! Does she make her bed every night before she goes out? Does she keep a toothbrush and condoms in her purse at all times? And does she still wax every weekend even if most weekends her soft hairless pussy will go unappreciated?!
God. I'd totally DIE if I were her.
Except...I think...I...AM...her. SHITFUCKITYFUCKFUCKSHITTYFUCK!!
I've been finding that none of the men I ever "date" actually ever schedule "dates" with me. There's no "Hey, let's do dinner on Thursday. What time do you get off work?"
Instead, I get a bunch of "I'll be out with my friends, but let's try to meet up afterward, if I'm still awake." Hahahah! Can you fucking believe that shit? TRY to meet up. IF I'M AWAKE.
GOD HELP ME.
Listen, I'm not even demanding that some dude court me the old-fashioned way like how it's portrayed on made-for-TV ABC Family romantic comedies. You know, when the dude cooks for the chick or takes her on cute excursions, like picnics and shit. All I'm asking is that FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE someone block off some time on my calendar IN ADVANCE and commit to it. And we don't even have to do anything special! We can fucking watch Netflix. Hell, I'LL even cook for HIS lazy ass! Is this too much to ask?!?! IS IT?!?!
UGH.
I am SO OVER dating. Where the fuck is My Future Boo.
Friday, June 12, 2009
How a Cab Driver Drove Me to Suicide
True story (as are all stories on this blog, believe it or not). I was in a cab talking on the phone with my mom. I told her that I'm hanging out with a dude who is smart and cool. I then confessed that he's also hot, which is something that my mom HATES. She has scolded me my whole life for caring about men's looks, which she believes is totally irrelevant when it comes to picking out a boyfriend or husband. Clearly, she's an idiot. But this isn't the point of this post.
The best part of the cab ride was AFTER I hung up the phone with my mom, when my FUCKING CAB DRIVER decided to ask me about my love life and offer me advice. He said, "So you're dating someone who you think is hot?"
"Yeah, and even I'm surprised," I joked.
And what did my sage cab driver say?
"Yes, I'm sure you like him. But the problem is he probably doesn't like you!"
And then he cackled for five minutes straight. I'm so glad he was amused.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. If you never read anything from me again, know that it's because I've literally ended my life.
The best part of the cab ride was AFTER I hung up the phone with my mom, when my FUCKING CAB DRIVER decided to ask me about my love life and offer me advice. He said, "So you're dating someone who you think is hot?"
"Yeah, and even I'm surprised," I joked.
And what did my sage cab driver say?
"Yes, I'm sure you like him. But the problem is he probably doesn't like you!"
And then he cackled for five minutes straight. I'm so glad he was amused.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. If you never read anything from me again, know that it's because I've literally ended my life.
My Secret Calorie-Free Diet Recipe
You want to be hot enough to lock down a man? Then start losing weight.
There are a ton of diet recipes out there, but this is the one that works best for me:
Ingredient(s):
- Water
- Ice (optional)
Instructions:
1. Obtain a very large glass.
2. Fill glass with water.
3. Add ice to taste.
4. Drink entire content of glass.
5. Eat ice if you wish to chew something.
6. Repeat until full.
Have this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I promise you'll be skinny in no time! This is totally what I live on all week before I don Herve Leger.
There are a ton of diet recipes out there, but this is the one that works best for me:
Ingredient(s):
- Water
- Ice (optional)
Instructions:
1. Obtain a very large glass.
2. Fill glass with water.
3. Add ice to taste.
4. Drink entire content of glass.
5. Eat ice if you wish to chew something.
6. Repeat until full.
Have this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I promise you'll be skinny in no time! This is totally what I live on all week before I don Herve Leger.
Always the Sunday Night Girl. Never the Friday Night Girl.
Think back to your most recent dates with the dude you're currently seeing/fucking. Now try to recall the days of the week when you've seen him.
What day of the week do you see him most often? Tuesday? Thursday? Sunday?
Well, I hate to break it to you, bitches, but unless your answer is Friday or Saturday, you are totally fuuuuuuuucked!!
I'm going to share with you one of my most important goals in dating - to become the Friday Night Girl.
Yes, it matters what night of the week your man tries to see you. Men are filthy players, and most of them (well, the attractive or rich ones at least) try to date at least 3 girls at any given time, so when they manage this busy Pimpin Calendar with their normal social schedules, it means they have to be SUPER strategic about when they decide to see their whores (i.e. you).
And I'm going to break down for you exactly what each day of the week means! Find your day of the week, and I'll tell you what your man thinks about you.
Monday Night Girl: Ummm... This is awkward... How do I break this to you gently? Hmmm... HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. This is the least coveted night of the week. Why do you think most restaurants don't even bother being open on Mondays? Because this is the throw away night when people are bitter about having the rest of the work week ahead of them and are no longer feeling well-rested from the weekend. A man will ask a woman out on a Monday when he's totally not sure about whether he's attracted to her. It's so easy for him to bail on a shitty date early on in the night by saying he has "a ton of work to do this week." Does that sound familiar to you? Poor thing. Try losing 10 pounds and straightening your hair so that this doesn't happen anymore.
Tuesday or Wednesday Night Girl: You're DEFINITELY one of many girls he's dating because he couldn't fit you in on any other night. You're his Plan D. He wants to keep you in the pipeline by continuing to see you on Tuesdays or Wednesdays JUST IN CASE one of his Thursday, Friday, or Saturday Night Girls bails on him. If this happens, he can totally call you - since he hasn't seen you in a few days - and ask you to hang out again. But don't get your hopes up, bitch. This is just for that one week. Just wait. The next week, you'll be having drinks on a motherfuckin Tuesday again! Oh how easily status comes and goes...
Thursday Night Girl: He thinks you're a party girl. Thursday is the best night of the week to get wasted with a date because most people don't care about being hungover or tired on a Friday. He knows you're down to get trashed on a weeknight, but he doesn't like you quite enough to bring you out on a Friday or Saturday, when he'll likely be with his friends or with someone hotter. He's also not going to stay up until 2 AM fucking you because he does want to at least make it to work the next day. But keep fucking the shit out of him because you're almost there! A couple more sessions of morning head or maybe a round of anal and you could be a Friday Night Girl in no time.
Friday Night Girl: You fucking cunt. How'd you do it? I've been trying to become someone's Friday Night Girl my ENTIRE LIFE, but it has yet to happen. This is the night when people usually go out with their friends, so if your man sacrifices a night out with his friends to be with YOU, then he's really into you. AND the Friday Night Girl almost always gets DINNER AND DRINKS! My two favorite things in life. Shit. What's your secret, you whore?! Share, damnit! Share!
Saturday Night Girl: This is basically the equivalent of the Friday Night Girl, but in a way, it's kind of better because the Saturday Night Girl also gets to have Sunday brunch with the man. DAMNIT! What could possibly beat morning sex followed by a breakfast burrito?!?! This position is so coveted that I don't even deign to dream that it could ever be me.
Sunday Night Girl: He knows he already has you. He's probably totally tired from the weekend but knows that doing something chill with you on a Sunday will be enough to get you to put out. I'm guessing you guys have watched a lot of movies on Sunday, right? Too bad. And yes, readers, this is the turd bucket in which I always find myself. The dude is so exhausted from wining, dining, and fucking other girls on Friday and Saturday that he wants to stay in with me on Sunday. Why do I even bother starving myself if this is all that life has to offer me?!?! I hate dating.
What day of the week do you see him most often? Tuesday? Thursday? Sunday?
Well, I hate to break it to you, bitches, but unless your answer is Friday or Saturday, you are totally fuuuuuuuucked!!
I'm going to share with you one of my most important goals in dating - to become the Friday Night Girl.
Yes, it matters what night of the week your man tries to see you. Men are filthy players, and most of them (well, the attractive or rich ones at least) try to date at least 3 girls at any given time, so when they manage this busy Pimpin Calendar with their normal social schedules, it means they have to be SUPER strategic about when they decide to see their whores (i.e. you).
And I'm going to break down for you exactly what each day of the week means! Find your day of the week, and I'll tell you what your man thinks about you.
Monday Night Girl: Ummm... This is awkward... How do I break this to you gently? Hmmm... HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. This is the least coveted night of the week. Why do you think most restaurants don't even bother being open on Mondays? Because this is the throw away night when people are bitter about having the rest of the work week ahead of them and are no longer feeling well-rested from the weekend. A man will ask a woman out on a Monday when he's totally not sure about whether he's attracted to her. It's so easy for him to bail on a shitty date early on in the night by saying he has "a ton of work to do this week." Does that sound familiar to you? Poor thing. Try losing 10 pounds and straightening your hair so that this doesn't happen anymore.
Tuesday or Wednesday Night Girl: You're DEFINITELY one of many girls he's dating because he couldn't fit you in on any other night. You're his Plan D. He wants to keep you in the pipeline by continuing to see you on Tuesdays or Wednesdays JUST IN CASE one of his Thursday, Friday, or Saturday Night Girls bails on him. If this happens, he can totally call you - since he hasn't seen you in a few days - and ask you to hang out again. But don't get your hopes up, bitch. This is just for that one week. Just wait. The next week, you'll be having drinks on a motherfuckin Tuesday again! Oh how easily status comes and goes...
Thursday Night Girl: He thinks you're a party girl. Thursday is the best night of the week to get wasted with a date because most people don't care about being hungover or tired on a Friday. He knows you're down to get trashed on a weeknight, but he doesn't like you quite enough to bring you out on a Friday or Saturday, when he'll likely be with his friends or with someone hotter. He's also not going to stay up until 2 AM fucking you because he does want to at least make it to work the next day. But keep fucking the shit out of him because you're almost there! A couple more sessions of morning head or maybe a round of anal and you could be a Friday Night Girl in no time.
Friday Night Girl: You fucking cunt. How'd you do it? I've been trying to become someone's Friday Night Girl my ENTIRE LIFE, but it has yet to happen. This is the night when people usually go out with their friends, so if your man sacrifices a night out with his friends to be with YOU, then he's really into you. AND the Friday Night Girl almost always gets DINNER AND DRINKS! My two favorite things in life. Shit. What's your secret, you whore?! Share, damnit! Share!
Saturday Night Girl: This is basically the equivalent of the Friday Night Girl, but in a way, it's kind of better because the Saturday Night Girl also gets to have Sunday brunch with the man. DAMNIT! What could possibly beat morning sex followed by a breakfast burrito?!?! This position is so coveted that I don't even deign to dream that it could ever be me.
Sunday Night Girl: He knows he already has you. He's probably totally tired from the weekend but knows that doing something chill with you on a Sunday will be enough to get you to put out. I'm guessing you guys have watched a lot of movies on Sunday, right? Too bad. And yes, readers, this is the turd bucket in which I always find myself. The dude is so exhausted from wining, dining, and fucking other girls on Friday and Saturday that he wants to stay in with me on Sunday. Why do I even bother starving myself if this is all that life has to offer me?!?! I hate dating.
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