You're Not Funny, But I Am

You know what I hate? When I'm hooking up with someone in a non-exclusive relationship (AKA all of the sex I've ever had) and the dude starts teasing me by almost starting to penetrate me without a condom. This is FUCKING ANNOYING because (1) I KNOW we shouldn't be having sex without condoms and (2) I really wish we could because it DOES feel awesome AND it would mean that we actually ARE in an exclusive relationship, which, as I mentioned above and all throughout this blog, never happens to me.

Well one night, this condomless penetration tease happened to me, and I said my usual, "Stop! Put a condom on first!" GOD. Why do I ALWAYS have to be the responsible one?

Anyhow, do you know what the dude said?

"I was just kidding!"

What.

The.

Fuck.

I WAS JUST KIDDING?!

I'm sorry. In my world, saying "I'm just kidding" means you've just said or done something that someone else would find humorous. Like, for example, every word of this flawless blog.

But TRYING TO SHOVE YOUR DICK IN ME WITHOUT A CONDOM IS NOT FUNNY.

Or is it? Wait, let me make sure I'm giving this guy a fair shot. Maybe I'm being too hard on him. I mean, perhaps my expectations for what's "funny" are too high because I'm so fucking hilarious. I realize that not everyone can be as funny as I am.

So let me consider the possibility that what he did was a good joke.

Thinking about it... thinking about it... ummm.... NO. Still not makin me laugh.

Great. So I'm not being too hard on him.

And instead of just being negative, I'm going to offer a few helpful examples of what's funny and not funny to do in bed.

Funny: Pretending to run out of condoms right before the man is about to finish.

Not funny: Running out the door right before the man is about to finish.

Funny: Telling the man in the middle of sex that you're actually a virgin.

Not funny: Telling the man in the middle of sex that you're actually 13.

Funny: Having sex on your friend's bed.

Not funny: When your friend has sex on your bed.


Does that help clear things up? I hope it does because otherwise you're a fucking moron.