Here's the good news: I can no longer bitch about the fact that I'm 22 years old (plus or minus 1 to 10 years) and have never had a boyfriend!!
I wish I could have seen you fall off your desk chairs just now. Yes, rub your eyes and re-read that sentence. It still says the same thing - "I can no longer bitch about the fact that I'm 22 years old (plus or minus 1 to 10 years) and have never had a boyfriend!!"
Booyah!
Finally. A man asked me to be his girlfriend. His words were uncreative but still music to my ears for they were words I've awaited my entire life: "Will you be my girlfriend?"
And then we cuddled and made out for hours as he told me things like "I'm all yours now" and "I want to be your boyfriend."
It was amazing.
"Is this love?" I thought to myself.
I savored 5 hours of this bliss.
But then...
...
...
...
... the alcohol wore off.
And here, readers, is where the bad news comes in.
Ready for it?
He sobered up, realized what he had just been saying, and then said, "I told you this before. I don't want to be in a relationship right now."
BAM!
New World Record: SHORTEST RELATIONSHIP EVER = 5 HOURS!!!
Bahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
How HILARIOUS is my life?!?!
People ask me if my stories are true, and I can now see why because even THIS ONE seems preposterous to me. I can't even believe this happened, and I fucking LIVED IT!
And so now I have to live with the ramifications of holding this title, and by this, I mean the many awkward conversations I'll have to endure in the future.
Example 1:
Someone: So when was your last long-term relationship?
Me: Depends on what you mean by long-term.
Someone: 6 or more months.
Me: What? 6 or more HOURS?
Someone: No. 6 or more MONTHS.
Me: Fuck! How about 5 or more hours.
Someone: What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: Shit. Nevermind. Well, I guess the answer is, 'NO, I've never been in a fancy shmancy LONG-TERM relationship' then, per your RIDICULOUS standards. Asshole. Why'd you have to rub it in?
Someone: What the hell is wrong with you?
Me: So so much...
Example 2:
Someone: When was the last time you were in a relationship?
Me: Oh. August 21st.
Someone: Awww. You remember the exact date it ended?
Me: Yeah, it was pretty rough.
Someone: I'm sorry. How long were you together?
Me: Since August 21st.
Someone: Oh no! You broke up on your 1-year anniversary?
Me: No. He dumped me after he sobered up and realized he had made a mistake.
Someone: Oh my god.
Me: Yeah, yeah. I know. NOW will you let me have that 7th vodka tonic? Thanks. Thought so.
Example 3:
Someone: How long was your longest relationship?
Me: 5 hours
Someone: Ha! You mean 5 months? Or 5 years?
Me: No, you piece of shit. I'm not a retard. 5 HOURS. As in 300 MINUTES. As in it ended more quickly than my Saturday afternoon naps.
Someone: Oh..... Wait. REALLY?
Me: Yes. Really.
Someone: Oh....
Me: Yep. I know. It still hurts.
Someone: That sucks.
Me: No. It FUCKING sucks.
*sigh*
Like my life wasn't already filled with enough excruciatingly awkward moments!
But on the bright side, I can now tell people "Yes, I HAVE been in a relationship" and "Yes, I HAVE had a boyfriend before."
And that's PRETTY fucking sweet!!!
I think I'm going to roam around the street now, tap randos on the shoulder, and just share the good news: "Hey! Guess what? I've had a BOYFRIEND. I know. I'm totally cool, right?"
Woohooooo!
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