Girl, He Nasty!

Mocking the men I date - like the basic AA-operated vibrator I bought when I was 19 years old - simply cannot satisfy me any longer. I want to mock MORE MEN. Specifically, I want to mock the atrocious men who my friends hook up with.

But apparently I can't. At least not if I follow The Girl Code, which involves not being allowed to talk shit about your girlfriends' hookups and instead constantly lying to boost their self-esteem, despite the fact that it will ALWAYS be low.

"Ohhhh. You hooked up with Jake? He was REALLY nice. I'm so happy for you! You totally deserve the best, and you should NEVER lower your standards."

And this is YET ANOTHER reason (reason #28,942,322) why I wish I were a man.

Whenever a man hooks up with a totally butt ugly ho, his friends TOTALLY get to call him out on it!

They say stuff like...

"Ew! I can't believe you made out with Jenny! She's so gross!"

"What? You fucked that FAT CHICK last night?! Naaaaasty!"

And I FUCKING LOVE IT!

Meanwhile, I have to witness unsavory shit go down and bite my tongue.

But perhaps I'll just start breaking down barriers and doing it anyway. Clearly, I don't follow any other social norms, so why bother in this one instance?

Also, I think that my girlfriends and I would both benefit from my vicious honesty. They would be less likely to hook up with FUGs (Fucking Ugly Guys) for fear of my mockery. And I would get to laugh in their pathetic faces.

Sounds like a win-win to me!

"Ew! He was such a creepy repulsive midget. I can't believe you fucked him! I'd rather shove a raw spare rib up my cooch and then eat it. Bahahaha! You're SO stupid. God. Get some fucking standards, hobag!"

Yep. I feel a trend starting. And the world will be a more fun place as a result. I hope my mom realizes she conceived such an influential trail blazer.

But first I need to garner more ho-y girlfriends who actually bang losers. So far I have 1. Unless I can't count myself, in which case, I have 0.