I'm Very Sorry But Very Thin

I have almost no readers, but I want you to know that I appreciate each and every one of you. Maybe one day, I'll book a table for 4 somewhere nice, and I'll buy you all dinner.

So when I received a complaint from a reader the other day about my lack of posts during the past week, I genuinely felt bad. I know what it's like to need something so badly that you can't live without it.

For me, those things are Grey Goose, thin crust pizza, and attention.

For you, they are MY WORDS.

So allow me to apologize for not posting as frequently as you need in order to get through your week.

Also, I have an excuse! And it's a damn good one.

I've been hungry.

No, not just hungry.

STARVING. FUCKING STARVING.

And I know you're used to me bitching about starving for sex, but I'm actually going to keep it clean today and clarify that I'm referring to actual normal FOOD. You know, like sandwiches and shit.

But don't worry about me. I'm not starving because I can't afford food or haven't had time to eat. As if! I'm starving because I've consumed no carbs, fruit, dairy, or salt for over a week. Nothin but lean protein and green veggies, baby! Bow down to my discipline.

And holy shit I've never looked better.

Also, holy shit I've never felt weaker.

It really makes you appreciate the "effortless" daily tasks that you once took for granted. I used to not think twice about shampooing my hair, but this morning, I had to take THREE breaks because I was too tired to scrub my scalp any longer. And don't even get me started on how long it took me to get dressed when I kept falling over. I had to give up on pants.

Why this crash diet? Well, I've been starving myself for the past 2 weeks to get bikini ready for my birthday party!!! Woohooo! I have an ADORABLE sailor bikini just waiting to overexpose my malnourished, overexercised body!

And an unfortunate byproduct of this starvation has been my inability to write because - let me just tell you - it's fucking hard to be a clever wordsmith when you're constantly blacking out and your hands shake so much you can't even type.

So that's my excuse! BUT, fortunately for you, I'll be back to my normal diet on Sunday! Which means I'll be healthy, feisty, and chatty once again. I foresee tubs of green curry fried rice and many many posts on my schedule next week.

Peace out, bitches! Time for me to go celebrate myself and let my friends shower me with the affection I deserve!