A Trip Down Booty Call Lane

I finally decided to enter the year 2009 by joining the iPhone cult, and I LOOOOOOOOVE it!

In the process of switching to shitty ass AT&T, I decided to get a brand spanking new phone number.

Changing your phone number is a big fat pain in the ass. So why did I decide to do it? First, I was sick of using an area code for a city nowhere near where I live because I'd constantly have to tell people, "No, I'm not in Orange County." Fucking annoying.

Second (and this is clearly the more important reason for the new number), I felt this would be a highly clean and efficient way to cut people out of my life. SNIP SNIP, motherfuckers! You're done!

I was eager to bid adieu to the following rejects:
- Men I've dumped
- Friends who have gotten fat
- Business contacts who call me way too often
- Friends who can't hold their alcohol
- Men I stupidly gave my number to while highly inebriated
- Friends who are in serious relationships and have therefore become completely worthless and unfun

I had a BLAST going through my phone book to decide which numbers to transfer. And my phone book was NOT short. I had NEVER before deleted a number from my phone because I'm horrified by the idea of an unknown number calling me (I will never pick up the phone for anyone not in my phone book).

So my phone had every phone number I've ever entered since my FRESHMAN YEAR in college.

In other words, my address book captured about a decade of booty call history!

I was CRACKING UP going down all the names in my phone book one-by-one. Taking this trip down booty call lane made me realize something: I've gotten a LOT of HOT ass in the past 10 years! WOW.

Some of the things that went through my mind:

"Haha! I can't believe I hooked up with a co-worker!"

"Oooh! I miss lifeguards..."

"Holy shit. I lost my virginity to him. Or was it the other way around?"

But, of course, there was the occasional:

"Who the hell is this? Did I hook up with him? Yeah, probably..."

"I can't believe that asshole raped me."

"I don't think he really was 18. Good thing it happened in Mexico..."

Doesn't this process sound SUPER FUN?! It was. It was truly invigorating and intoxicating. Every second of it. I highly recommend it.

And now my phone book has been cut in half. I feel so free knowing that the only people who can reach me are those whom I've hand selected. That's the way it should be.

Now how do I send a mass text to all these lucky people informing them of how honored they should feel? Is there an emoticon for "Today should be the happiest day of your life because I've decided to remain friends with you?"