The Value of a Dollar

Have I ever told you that I'm an Economist? If so, I was lying. But I do enjoy thinking about the economics related to decision-making and consumption.

For example, some days after work, I want to get home right away, so I ask myself, "Should I spend $15 on a cab ride home?" Then, I think about the opportunity cost of that $15. Once I recall that $15 could buy me a Grey Goose vodka tonic, I conclude that $15 for a cab ride is SO not worth it!

But that was in the past. I no longer consider opportunity cost in terms of foregone alcohol consumption.

I now have something better and more practical. Something that everyone in the world can understand and appreciate the value of.

Nobel Prize in Economics, here I come. I have discovered the most efficient way to measure the value of a dollar and therefore truly understand the opportunity cost of any purchase.

Here is my solution: The value of a dollar should be measured in terms of what it can get you at Spearmint Rhino.

Eureka, motherfuckas!

Yes, I'm talking about the strip club, where, for 1 measly dollar, I can have a flawless stripper with no body fat, big fake sallies, and a round rump:

• give me a titty carwash,
  
• show me her vagina,
  
• fondle my breasts,
  
• balance dollar bills on her nipples,
  
• clap her feet together,
  
• do a helicopter,
• spit on my friend,
  
• rub her ass on my face, or
  
• DO ANYTHING ELSE my filthy heart desires on command.
  

Hot, obedient, cheap, and with UNLIMITED possibilities. It is literally the most efficient way to spend $1.

Also, WHY THE FUCK have I ever tipped any other service personnel?!?

I'm no longer tipping my bartenders. And if they try to give me shit, I'm going to say, "Ummm... I'm sorry, did I miss it when you showed me your coochie? What? You DIDN'T show me your coochie? Oh. What about your tits? Did you whip those out? What? Oh. You didn't show me your tits? Okay, well can I play with them for a little bit? What? No? Wait. WHY are you asking me for a dollar then? Because that's what I can get for that dollar, bitch! How are you gonna to top that?!?!"

Our economy will finally achieve maximum efficiency. Dollars will now shift from deadbeats like pizza delivery boys, waitresses, and cab drivers to the hardest working members of our society: strippers - women who are willing to EARN those dollars. Thank you, strippers, for teaching the rest of us what hard work really is.

And to give back, I'm going to take my $1 million in Nobel Prize money and make it rain on them hos.