Drunkonomics

When I'm sober, I enjoy claiming I'm a genius. And when I'm drunk, I actually start to believe it.

This is a horrible thing because I'm loudest, cockiest, AND most retarded when I'm drunk.

My latest drunken obsession is coming home wasted and doodling. But since I'm convinced I'm a genius, I can't just draw random shit like flowers and hearts. That's for amateurs and pussies. I instead insist on trying to make sense of my love life using X-Y graphs. I find that they convey so much meaning with so little effort on my part.

I'm going to start scanning and posting these graphs, and you'll be able to find them under the label "Drunkonomics."

Below is one of my recent masterpieces, which I created after I came home feeling especially rejected and bitter one night. I was wondering how I, as an outlier of hotness and awesomeness, could still be single at the moment.


For those of you who are too stupid to understand that graph, allow me to enlighten you.

There are a few important things to note. First, the line you see there represents the supply of women. Notice the negative relationship between hotness and awesomeness. We all know that this relationship is painful but true. The girls who are most amazing to look at are also the ones who should never talk. Ever. And the girls who are most fun to hang out with are the ones who pig out on Cheetos, wear comfortable clothing, and have mom haircuts.

This relationship sucks ass. But fortunately, there are outliers who lie both above and below this supply curve. I've tossed in some examples to help you understand what this means.

But let's focus on me as represented by the gigantic dot labeled "me!"

Notice how humble I am in admitting that a fairly large proportion of women are hotter than I am. I would say approximately 10-15% of the female population is more bangable than I (but if we counted sense of style, this number would decrease to 0.01%).

However, LOOK at how much disproportional awesomeness you're getting for my given level of hotness. There's really only 1 woman in the world more awesome than I am, and that's Angelina Jolie. That's pretty fucking awesome. That's an awesomeness surplus that should make any man cream his pants to get with me.

So if this is where I stand in relation to other women, WHY am I writing this hilarious, incredibly insightful blog post to a bunch of randos instead of getting my box munched by a grateful man who's never felt luckier in his life?!?!

COME ON, fellas! This box won't eat itself! Get ON IT.

Hmmm... Perhaps I need a Z axis for "delusional?"

Nahhhhhh! That graph is TOTALLY accurate.