Happy Motherfucking Birthday

Apparently, I'm more BORING than I realized.

My birthday recently passed. Let's call it my ... oh I dunno ... 22nd birthday. My 22nd birthday recently passed, and I decided to spoil the crap out of myself that day by giving myself whatever I wanted all day long.

So in contrast to the 364 other days of the year when I live in a constant state of deprivation, I pigged out and got wasted.

Okay, so maybe I get wasted every day, but I totally don't eat delicious food.

So what did I consume to celebrate?

- My first chocolate chip cookie in YEARS
- Chicken tikka masala
- Ranch-flavored Wheat Thins
- Pizza
- Cheese platter
- Fruit tart a la mode
- Donuts dipped in chocolate sauce

It was a FINE day. One of the best eating days of my life. Near perfect.

But I wasn't content.

By around 10 PM, after I was down 1/2 a bottle of red wine, I decided that I needed one more thing to complete my day: BIRTHDAY BOOTY.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

I was ready to work off the calories within my distended belly by spending the night riding some cock.

So I did what any respectable girl does when she wants play. I booty texted!

My first message: "Want to give me a birthday gift?"

His response: "What would you like for your birthday?"

WTF? WHY was he asking? What ELSE could I possibly want at 10 PM on my motherfucking birthday?!

My response: "You have 2 hours to deliver!"

His response: "Ok! I'll think about it! :)"

My response: "So what did you come up with?"

His response:

His response:

His response:

No, readers. Those are not typos up there with missing text. THERE WAS NO FUCKING RESPONSE!!!

Until 9 AM this morning.

When I received this response: "I was concentrating so hard I fell asleep!"

BAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

OH

MY

FUCKING

GOD

Clearly, I am the least desirable woman on earth.

WHAT MAN gets a booty text and FALLS ASLEEP AT 10 PM?!?!

I was offended. And for a moment, I was able to empathize with a man I once hooked up with whose dick I fell asleep on. But that was different. I was DRUNK!

Back to me. How shitty is what happened?! I practically rang a dinner bell, spread my legs, and put a flare between them and got NO RESPONSE!

Humiliating. Devastating. Life-scarring. And on my BIRTHDAAAAAAY.

I hate my life. I hate it! I hate it!