WHAT Did You Just Call Me?!?!

No, someone did not call me a "bitch." Like that would be something eventful enough for me to blog about! That happens to me every day.

Like when I talk loudly on my cell phone on the otherwise silent bus.

Or when I indifferently sashay past homeless people as I carry a bag full of Whole Foods goodies.

Or when men approach me at a bar and I respond by saying, "Don't EVER touch me or speak to me again."

So no, this post is not about someone calling me a "bitch," "cunt," or "whore."

One of you fatass readers in Oklahoma City is about to hate me.

Here goes nothin.

I had brunch with a dude the other day, but I refused to eat anything because I wasn't hungry. He then insisted that I didn't need to try to lose weight because I was already "pretty." At the time, this irked me, but I didn't know why.

But it finally hit me this morning. I realized that I don't want to be described as a "pretty" girl. That would fucking suck because that's the way you describe attractive girls who have nothing better to offer. UGH.

And how many "pretty" / worthless (to me) girls are out there? Millions. TOO MANY, in fact. So many it annoys the shit out of me every day, everywhere I go.

WHY would I want to be known as being "pretty" when it's clearly not special and is borderline offensive?!?!

Instead, I've decided that I prefer to be described as being "FUNNY!" (But I will also accept "unbelievably hilarious," "incredibly witty," or "side-splittingly hysterical." Or perhaps a simple "most entertaining and comical girl on earth" will suffice.)

This would make me truly special. Think about it. How many "funny" GIRLS do you personally know? I bet you the answer is less than 3. And you can't count me because, although you know my darkest secrets, we've never actually met face-to-face.

And in case it's not clear, "funny" means being able to tell a joke, which is different from a stupid ho who laughs easily.

I've decided that the next man who tells me he fell for me because I'm "funny" is getting a multi-hour blowjob, a threesome, and anal!