My Legacy

Drinking for 6 hours straight makes you do crazy things. Like having unprotected sex with someone you just met. I've never done this. I've only heard.

Unprotected sex is one of the dumbest things you could possibly do, ESPECIALLY as a woman. I've realized that there's no reason why I shouldn't ask a man to put on a rubber because (1) it protects me from STDs, (2) it shields the world (and my taut, unscarred vagina) from my progeny, (3) there's no way in HELL a man is going to turn down sex with me just because I asked him to roll a condom on, and (4) I can't even feel the difference whether there's a condom on or not (and who really gives a fuck about whether HE can feel the difference).

But this post isn't about unprotected sex . It's more about my fear of death by STD , which would be a horrible way to go. No sex would EVER be worth it. Not even a gang bang with Tom Brady, Josh Duhamel, and Brad Pitt (toss in Chris Pine and my answer might be different... I'd be honored to lick the genital warts on his dick).

Anyhow, all this thinking about death by STD got me thinking about a quasi-morbid obsession of mine - my obsession with MY LEGACY.

Since I was a kid, I've spent a freakish amount of time fantasizing about how I want the world to remember me after I die. When I was young and innocent, I dreamt that the world would weep after my passing because it had just lost one of its Nobel Prize laureates - someone whose passionate commitment to service and knowledge left a lasting mark on the world... someone who actually made the world a better place. You know. Like how we'd all feel if Angelina Jolie croaked.

But now I'm old enough to realize that Dreams are for naive children and delusional adults, so I've reconciled my goal for My Legacy with what I'm actually capable of accomplishing.

So how do I want to be remembered, loyal readers?

Behold! My lasting contribution to the world: The Fuckbuddy Code of Conduct.

Yes, I've learned from the world of business that if you want to be successful, you need so solve a pain point, and there's no pain point more familiar to me than the shit that goes down due to the fact that men and women have NO CLUE how to behave in Fuckbuddy situations.

So I'm going to spell out the Fuckbuddy rules. These are rules that should be followed by EVERYONE who engages in meaningless sex (you know who you are, you horndogs). In addition, this Code of Conduct - like our Constitution or GAAP - becomes more valuable to society the more it's applied, so please do the world a favor and forward it to every slutty hobag and sleazy player you know.

Without further ado, I present My Legacy...

The Fuckbuddy Code of Conduct

Fuckbuddy, defined: someone with whom you enjoy the rapturous delight of fucking or hooking up without having to commit to a monogamous relationship (like your soul mate, but without all the work)

For PLAYERS: Recognize that while women are perfectly willing to behave like whores, they still don't want to be treated like one. As such...

After you fuck a Fuckbuddy, you WILL spend the night with her - no matter how early you need to be at work the next day.

For the LOVE OF GOD please try to be more creative when sending the same old booty text at 1 AM every Friday night. You know what this SMS is, you fuckers. "What r u up to?"

If, while you're hooking up, you've reached a point when you realize that you never want to sleep with your Fuckbuddy again, DO NOT lie to her for no reason to make her feel as though you plan on seeing her again. Don't fucking make plans to watch some TV show together even though you know FULL WELL you'll never call the bitch again.

If you're hooking up with a girl who's totally wasted, put a REAL condom on. Yes, I've heard stories about drunk idiots wrapping their dicks up in saran wrap, and situations like this need to stop.

Do not fuck two different Fuckbuddies within a 24-hour period (unless it's a threesome). And if you do, make sure that neither of them EVER EVER EVER find out!

For SLUTS: Accept the fact that to your Fuckbuddy, you're just another whore, so...

Do NOT get angry if you find out that your Fuckbuddy made fun of you to his friends. You barely knew him, and you put on a schoolgirl costume the 2nd night you fucked! You were asking for it.

Don't waste your time being overly sweet or nice to him. This means no cooking and cleaning for the bastard. If he wants homemade food and someone to do his laundry, he can either whine to his mommy or commit to fucking ONLY YOU!

Realize that it's SOLELY your responsibility to make sure you guys use protection, and use it EVERY TIME. Your Fuckbuddy doesn't care about your health, so YOU need to watch out for yourself.

If you find yourself starting to think about your Fuckbuddy frequently and in contexts besides sex, ABORT!! You're probably developing feelings for him, and this will make things super messy because you'll start making demands that your Fuckbuddy will not be willing to accommodate.

You absolutely CANNOT get offended when your Fuckbuddy booty texts you, and you CANNOT get angry when he doesn't respond to one of YOUR texts. This is just the way the Fuckbuddy world works. It's not about romance. It's about fucking someone in the most low-maintenance, low-cost, and convenient way possible. If you can't handle it, then don't put out unless you're dating someone.

And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. I think that if we all follow these rules, we'll see that sex can be meaningless, fun, AND safe! If that doesn't make the world a better place, then NOTHING will. Maybe I DO deserve a Nobel prize... Hmm...