WTF? I'm a STAR!

Okay, not really. But I checked my stats, and apparently I’ve had 300 unique visitors this year. Haaaa! WHO THE HELL ARE you people?! WTF?! People in China and the UK know how to use the internet?! And they read my blog?!?! (Disclaimer: not all American women are easy, foul-mouthed, impeccably dressed, incredibly witty, unbelievably perceptive whores like me. Unfortunately for all Americans, there is only one of me tottering about in the bars of this great nation.)

I DEFINITELY don’t have 300 friends (unless we count one night stands, in which case the number is closer to 457), so there are some strangers out there who know a lot of crazy shit about my pathetic love life. But I commend their discriminating taste. A lot of blogs out there are complete crap, and this one is clearly The Millennium Star (the largest diamond in the world - 203.04 carats - which I plan on receiving from my future husband someday) of the blogosphere.

Also, I recently met my first fans! Yes, I just typed “fans” with an “S,” and it wasn’t a typo. Can you believe it? AND they were DUDES. Straight ones!

If I have straight male readers, then this opens a whole new world of opportunity for me: my blog is now a funnel for me to acquire DATES. Yeahhhhh, baby! Any man who would still want to date me after reading my bullshit is DEFINITELY a keeper. Or is at least worthy of buying me an expensive sushi dinner. Or jewelry. Or shoes.

What an efficient screening mechanism this is! It pretty much scares off weak, sexually inexperienced pussies who can’t accept the fact that a woman is funnier and more aggressive than they.

God. And if a man ever quoted my blog on our date, and I’d strap on knee pads and suck his cock like it was a creamsicle in the Sahara Dessert.

My new goal is to get ONE date as a result of this blog. SO WHO WILL THE LUCKY MAN BE?! And is he prepared for me to chronicle his failures for all 300 of my readers (soon to grow to ALL THE WORLD) to see?!

If YOU are a straight male delusional enough to think you can handle me (I'm certain that there isn't a man alive who can), then send me an email. Please include two photos - one full body photo and one photo of your package - as well as your most recent W-2.

Also, please note that there is a 99% chance I'll post your email on this blog and shred you like you're the wrapping paper standing between me and a pair of Prada platforms.

But FIRST, you must take the quiz below.

THE QUIZ: If any of the following describes you, then add or subtract points as indicated.

- Over 5'10": +10
- Under 5'8": Stop wasting my time
- Workout 4 or more days per week: +10
- Cock over 6": +10
- Cock under 4": How have you not killed yourself yet? Get the fuck off my blog
- Brown hair: + 10
- Red hair: -10
- Drive a Bentley coupe: +100
- Drive a Vespa: -10
- Work on Wall Street: +20
- Work in Tech: +10
- Work in Retail: -10
- Job title starts with "Chief" and ends with "Officer:" +20
- Have a dog: +5
- Have a PUPPY: +10
- Married: +0 if you answered "yes" to the Bentley coupe; otherwise, go fuck yourself
- College degree from Ivy caliber school: +10
- College athlete: +200 for soccer players and swimmers; +100 for all others EXCEPT golfers (I said "athlete," damnit! Learn to read.)
- Graduate degree: +10
- Dress like a Persian from LA: -20
- Non-smoker: +10
- Willing to let me berate you in bed: +10
- Willing to have sex in public places: +10
- Like it rough: +10
- Typically refer to sex as "fucking" and NEVER as "making love": +10
- Like girls with meat on them: God bless you. +10
- You've set up an RSS feed for my blog: +50

So what's your score? This score represents the percent chance I'd fuck you if I met you.

You'll notice that according to this quiz, as long as you're not a short, uneducated redhead with a tiny dick who smokes, dresses like a Persian from LA, and works at Banana Republic, then I'd pretty much do you. Based on my sexual history, I'd say that that sounds about right.

Let the games begin! May the best man win.

And please forward this post to any man whom you think is worthy of my "affection."