Who Wants to Date Mr. Mom? No one.

Isn’t it totally awkward catching up with people you haven’t seen since high school? I CAN’T STAND IT.

They inevitably treat me as though I’m the same person I was almost 10 years ago, and it bugs the shit out of me! GOD DAMNIT, I may not have been cool in high school, but I’m almost kinda sorta half cool now (from afar and when you’re not really listening to what I’m saying).

I’m blathering on about this because I ran into someone who used to be one of my really close friends in high school. I'm going to call him Mr. Dream On.

Mr. Dream On was one of the popular kids in high school, and he probably could have dated almost any girl he wanted. All the cutest girls in school had crushes on him. And as you all know, I was a total dork in high school whom no boy liked.

Anyhow, Mr. Dream On told me that he misses me and wants us to "HAVE KIDS TOGETHER.”

What. The. Fuck. Since when does a fucking DUDE broach the topic of "kids?!?!"

And then he offered to “STAY HOME, TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS, AND GIVE THEM PIANO LESSONS.”

Holy motherfucking shit! His crazy ass thinks he can stay home playing Mr. Mom while I'm managing a team of thousands? HELLLLLLLLL to the NO.

I tried to divert his attention by pointing out other hot girls nearby and saying he should go talk to them instead.

He then told me, “No, it's okay. I like you because of WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE.”

And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?! Yeah, buddy. Thanks SO FUCKING MUCH for being able to look beyond what is apparently an unattractive exterior. I’m soooooooo grateful. As a token of my appreciation, please feel free stick your dick up my coochie now and thrust it in and out as hard as you’d like.

Attention all stupid men of the world: NEVER TELL A GIRL YOU LIKE HER BECAUSE OF WHAT'S ON THE INSIDE. This is an amateur move. Yeah, girls want to be appreciated for their intelligence, wit, etc., but we DON'T want to be told that you like us for these things IN SPITE OF THE FACT WE'RE UNATTRACTIVE.

Nope. Not gonna make a woman swoon with that one. Just lie to the bitch and toss in "pretty" or at least a cursory "cute" with all the other adjectives you actually mean. Geeze. You fucking lie to us about SO MANY THINGS. Would it KILL you to lie in this situation, too?! I think not.

So just do it, damnit. Tell me I'm "beautiful."