Our Wedding

This is one letter in a series of letters to The Lucky Bastard (my future boo).

Dear Boo,

I went to a wedding this past weekend, which got me thinking about OUR future wedding.

Since you’re marrying an Asian, you probably already know that this wedding will be a logistical masterpiece. Every possible detail and contingency will be meticulously considered well in advance of the actual ceremony. In other words, I’ve already planned it all out even though I haven’t met you yet.

I’m sorry for not including your input in the planning of our wedding, but I hope you realize that since I have better taste and am more organized, it’s really more efficient if I do it all without you. Consensus building just takes more time than I have to give.

But it’s not like you won't contribute to the wedding at all. I’ve found 2 roles for you: (1) you’ll bankroll the wedding and (2) you’ll be in it, sweetie!

Here are the most pertinent details related to our wedding day (The full 287 page plan, itinerary, and contingency plan are locked in our safe deposit box by the stunning Harry Winston diamond necklace you bought me for my birthday last year. Notice that I didn't include a “budget” because I’ve decided that we won’t be having one.):

I’ve realized that I have WAY more best gays than I do girlfriends, so instead of having Bridesmaids, I’m going to have a harem of Bridesmen! They’ll be dressed in custom-made pink sailor suits designed by none other than Dolce and Gabbana themselves! Ahoy!

And, instead of a Maid of Honor, I’d like to have a Geisha of Honor – one of my best gays who will go in drag as a gorgeous geisha! I see this as a unique and thoughtful way of honoring my Asian parents.

Obvi the wedding will be a destination wedding somewhere tropical and international. Although it will be very expensive for our guests to attend, this will show us who our TRUE FRIENDS are.

We’re going to feast on a 6-course meal prepared by Eric Ripert. He’ll make all of my favorites, which I won’t bother listing here because you should already know what they are.

Entertainment will be provided by all of my most beloved artists (this list is subject to change depending who is “hot” at the time of our wedding), including Rihanna, Britney Spears, Fergie, MIA, T-Pain, Justin Timberlake, John Mayer, Kanye West, and Gwen Stefani. (Please note that John and Justin will be seated to my left and right during dinner. While I recognize that you might want to sit by me, I think it would be more fun if we sat immersed among the pop stars rather than among our loved ones, don’t you agree? You can totally sit between Rihanna and Britney!)

My gown and 3 other dresses (as I will do multiple clothing changes throughout the course of the evening) will be designed by Marchesa. I know exactly how I want them to look, but I’m not giving you anymore details because I want your jaw to drop in awe every time you first see me. Don’t worry. Each dress will be worth every penny (2,000,000 pennies, to be more specific).

Adam Corolla will marry us because he's fucking hilarious, and I want our wedding ceremony to be entertaining. I've sat through enough coma-inducing ceremonies to know that the only two people who enjoy the wedding ceremony are the two people actually getting married. And sometimes even they look like they can't wait until it's over. Also, do you think Adam would be willing to dress up as a Merman? Actually, what am I saying? I'm sure he has his price, and fortunately for us, we have no limits.

Our guests will NOT be allowed to bring their children because I find children annoying, loud, and dirty. This would turn our wedding into an absolute circus, and, as you can tell, I'd like it to be a romantic and serious affair.

Most importantly, I'd like to ensure that all of our guests are as hammered as I will be, so let's place a fountain of Dom Perignon on each table, okay?


Your Cherie Amour,
[the name my readers will never know]