Always the Sunday Night Girl. Never the Friday Night Girl.

Think back to your most recent dates with the dude you're currently seeing/fucking. Now try to recall the days of the week when you've seen him.

What day of the week do you see him most often? Tuesday? Thursday? Sunday?

Well, I hate to break it to you, bitches, but unless your answer is Friday or Saturday, you are totally fuuuuuuuucked!!

I'm going to share with you one of my most important goals in dating - to become the Friday Night Girl.

Yes, it matters what night of the week your man tries to see you. Men are filthy players, and most of them (well, the attractive or rich ones at least) try to date at least 3 girls at any given time, so when they manage this busy Pimpin Calendar with their normal social schedules, it means they have to be SUPER strategic about when they decide to see their whores (i.e. you).

And I'm going to break down for you exactly what each day of the week means! Find your day of the week, and I'll tell you what your man thinks about you.

Monday Night Girl: Ummm... This is awkward... How do I break this to you gently? Hmmm... HE DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU. This is the least coveted night of the week. Why do you think most restaurants don't even bother being open on Mondays? Because this is the throw away night when people are bitter about having the rest of the work week ahead of them and are no longer feeling well-rested from the weekend. A man will ask a woman out on a Monday when he's totally not sure about whether he's attracted to her. It's so easy for him to bail on a shitty date early on in the night by saying he has "a ton of work to do this week." Does that sound familiar to you? Poor thing. Try losing 10 pounds and straightening your hair so that this doesn't happen anymore.

Tuesday or Wednesday Night Girl: You're DEFINITELY one of many girls he's dating because he couldn't fit you in on any other night. You're his Plan D. He wants to keep you in the pipeline by continuing to see you on Tuesdays or Wednesdays JUST IN CASE one of his Thursday, Friday, or Saturday Night Girls bails on him. If this happens, he can totally call you - since he hasn't seen you in a few days - and ask you to hang out again. But don't get your hopes up, bitch. This is just for that one week. Just wait. The next week, you'll be having drinks on a motherfuckin Tuesday again! Oh how easily status comes and goes...

Thursday Night Girl: He thinks you're a party girl. Thursday is the best night of the week to get wasted with a date because most people don't care about being hungover or tired on a Friday. He knows you're down to get trashed on a weeknight, but he doesn't like you quite enough to bring you out on a Friday or Saturday, when he'll likely be with his friends or with someone hotter. He's also not going to stay up until 2 AM fucking you because he does want to at least make it to work the next day. But keep fucking the shit out of him because you're almost there! A couple more sessions of morning head or maybe a round of anal and you could be a Friday Night Girl in no time.

Friday Night Girl: You fucking cunt. How'd you do it? I've been trying to become someone's Friday Night Girl my ENTIRE LIFE, but it has yet to happen. This is the night when people usually go out with their friends, so if your man sacrifices a night out with his friends to be with YOU, then he's really into you. AND the Friday Night Girl almost always gets DINNER AND DRINKS! My two favorite things in life. Shit. What's your secret, you whore?! Share, damnit! Share!

Saturday Night Girl: This is basically the equivalent of the Friday Night Girl, but in a way, it's kind of better because the Saturday Night Girl also gets to have Sunday brunch with the man. DAMNIT! What could possibly beat morning sex followed by a breakfast burrito?!?! This position is so coveted that I don't even deign to dream that it could ever be me.

Sunday Night Girl: He knows he already has you. He's probably totally tired from the weekend but knows that doing something chill with you on a Sunday will be enough to get you to put out. I'm guessing you guys have watched a lot of movies on Sunday, right? Too bad. And yes, readers, this is the turd bucket in which I always find myself. The dude is so exhausted from wining, dining, and fucking other girls on Friday and Saturday that he wants to stay in with me on Sunday. Why do I even bother starving myself if this is all that life has to offer me?!?! I hate dating.