Confession: I Have an Eating Disorder

Whenever I come home wasted, I absolutely HAVE TO binge on something. This past Thursday, I ate:

- an entire pizza
- a half a bag of chips and salsa
- a cup of ice cream
- a bowl of ramen
- a bag of popcorn

By myself. And I would’ve eaten more, but, thankfully, I fucking ran out of food!

This is clearly a problem because it makes me FAT, and the Hot All-American Corn Fed Wall Street Boys whom I [unsuccessfully] pursue do NOT fuck fat girls. I’ve noticed that they have a penchant for anorexic white blonde girls that do Teach for America. I have nothing in common with this girl. Actually, I would even go so far as to say that I LOATHE THIS GIRL.

So, given this information, how can I ensnare the Elusive White Dude?

I’ve tried and failed at a number of possible solutions to this problem.

Potential Solution #1: Develop Anorexia
Gotta say – this is harder than it looks. I have newfound respect for girls whose clavicles jut out so far they could cut your face. I’ve repeatedly tried to starve myself, but I fail miserably every time. I think the longest I’ve starved myself is 3 hours. I don’t know how stupid teenage girls do it. If I ever come across an anorexic girl on her death bed, I’d totally high five her. Then hit her up for starvation tactics. I can already imagine our conversation: "It totally sucks that you're about to die, but you look SUPER HOT."

Potential Solution #2: Bleach Hair
This is totally pathetic, but I’ve also tried to bleach my hair blonde, and I learned the hard way that Asians look like morons as “blondes.” Who would’ve thought?! Despite paying over $200 at a high-end salon, my goddamn hair turned orange, which is basically the color that "redheads" have. And no one is attracted to redheads. NO ONE. Not even redheads. They're the 2nd to the bottom rung in the dating game, superior only to the HIV positive morbidly obese.

Potential Solution #3: Teach Children
Haaaaaaa! Would YOU want me teaching your children? That would DEFINITELY not make our future brighter. We’d be totally fucked (unless you like the idea of me encouraging your 10 year-old daughter to wear stilettos, masturbate, and berate men). Also, I hate kids. And I’m fairly certain that they hate me, too. Perhaps they, like dogs, can sense evil?

So what the fuck am I supposed to do?

Things seem hopeless, but I have good news. I’ve found a solution for my eating disorder. And if any of you out there suffer from the same problem as me, it’s TOTALLY something that you can do, too.

I’ve stumbled upon one thing that can keep me from binging on junk food while drunk, and it is…… BINGING ON COCK!!!

No, I’m not talking about poultry. I’m talking about big (if I’m lucky) hard (it better be) circumsized (or uncircumsized) man cock!

Yes, it’s a truly elegant cure for my eating disorder. Not only does cock cost me nothing, but I burn a shitload of calories riding it AND it’s CALORIE FREE!!!! (As long as I don’t swallow…FYI semen has about 5 calories per ejaculation. I totally looked it up.)

This means that whenever I go out, I now have an alternative to getting fat –getting laid!! And we all know which one I’d choose.

Watch out, world. I’m gonna lose some serious weight and become a serious whore.

What an ingenious problem solver I am. Why do people keeping telling me I "need help?” Ridiculous. Clearly, my life is in order.