This is the Reason Why You're Single: YOU'RE FAT

I found myself in the unfortunate position of being seated next to a fat chick on the airplane today. I shall call her Plump Passenger. I noticed that she was reading a magazine, so I peeked over her ham hock arm to see what she reading. It was an article in Cosmo on dating rules you should break. You know, bullshit like “It’s okay to make the first move” or “If you ask a guy out on the first date, then you should offer to pay.”

Really? WHY was Plump Passenger wasting her time reading shit like this?! How does she not realize that her priorities are totally out of order?!?! Before she worries about ANYTHING else related to what she should know about dating, bitch needs to get her ass on an elliptical and cut back on the motherfuckin beef fajitas! WHAT MAN PROBLEMS can you possibly have if no man will even talk to you to begin with?!

To irritate me further, after she finished reading that stupid article on dating, she then proceeded to read a COOKING MAGAZINE, and it was NOT Cooking Light or some other diet magazine. It had recipes that use ingredients like … ugh … BUTTER and SUGAR.

Clearly, Plump Passenger isn’t even trying! And what I wonder is, WHY NOT?! Don’t fat people realize that shedding their fat shells is the answer to all of their problems?

Fatties, I’m going to answer all of your questions right now:

Q: Why doesn’t anyone hit on me?
A: Because you’re fat.

Q: Why won’t anyone love me?
A: Because you’re fat.

Q: Why don’t any of my friends invite me to go out with them at night? Why do they only invite me to lunch on Sunday?
A: Because you’re fat.

Q: Why won’t anyone extend a job offer to me?
A: Because you’re fat.

Q: Why are you being so mean to me?
A: Because you're fat.

Look at that. I just solved all of your personal and professional problems in one fell swoop! God I am a truly efficient Asian.

Now get your life in order by putting down that brownie and familiarizing yourself with your new best friend, Hunger.