Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Who's the fairest one of all?

ME!

And thank goodness for that. Because I've decided to become AUTOSEXUAL.

What does it mean to be autosexual? It means I don't need a fucking man. And that sounds great.

I've recently decided that I am my own best lover. I basically created a mental checklist of what I'm looking for in a mate and realized that I actually meet all of my own criteria!

Check it out:

Q: Who is able to make you come every time he / she tries?
A: ME!

Q: Who is the funniest person you know?
A: ME!

Q: Who is the best dressed person you know?
A: ME!

Q: Who is always free when you have time to play?
A: ME!

Q: Who's always buying you amazing dinners and fabulous shoes?
A: ME!

Q: Who always pushes you to work harder in order to dominate everyone else?
A: ME!

Q: Who has never once mistreated, disrespected, or annoyed you?
A: ME!

Q: Who would make a sex tape with you but never share it with anyone?
A: ME!

Q: Who is horny whenever you are?
A: ME!


God damnit! Why haven't I started fucking myself sooner? I LOVE myself!

No more hunting for men on Thursday nights. I'm going to stay in and invest in shitloads of very large mirrors that I shall place all over my bedroom and ceiling. And I'll masturbate to my own reflection. Every night.

Sounds like a match made in heaven.

Wedding invitations will be sent out shortly. Meanwhile, I'm registered at BevMo. Show me you love me by buying me booze.