Take It Like a Man!

I recently met a guy whom I thought had some potential. He’s funny, smart, and cute. AND he’s geographically desirable (I LOVE when the walk of shame is < 2 blocks…ahhh…brings me back to my college days of returning home from frat row at 8 AM).

Unfortunately, however, this dude who piqued my interest wasn’t as excited about me, which I learned in quite a direct way when he pulled me aside one evening while we were out for drinks with a group and said, “I think you’re really beautiful, smart, and funny, but I’m not ready for a relationship right now. I completely crushed my ex-girlfriend, and I’m still getting over it.”

FUUUUUUUUUCK! I knew that was the kiss of death. It’s the exact type of copout rejection that they warn you about in He’s Just Not That Into You.

So how did I take it?

First, let me step back for a moment and tell you something: I almost never get rejected by men.

I’m sure you’re wondering how this is possible, coming from a girl who has NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND OR BEEN ON MORE THAN 3 DATES IN HER LIFE. Is this because I’m gorgeous? Hell no. Is this because I’m rich? God, I wish. Is this because I’m unbelievably witty and incredibly charming? No, but that was the best guess so far.

So why, then, am I so rarely rejected? Because in order to get rejected by someone, you have to actually LIKE THEM first, and I ALMOST NEVER meet anyone I like!! By now, you’ve read the painful details about the men I usually encounter, so you shouldn’t be completely shocked to learn that, literally, only about once a year, do I come across a man who is funny, intelligent, cute, and cool enough for me to actually want to sacrifice my precious hours of sleep to be with him (I say “sleep” because, obviously, if I were dating someone funny, intelligent, cute, AND cool, I’d be fucking his brains out every night).

So back to my very recent rejection. How did I respond? Well, let’s just say that I’m still trying to wipe the ASTONISHED look off my face.

Yes, that’s right, bitches! I just said “ASTONISHED” – not “sad,” “dejected,” or “melancholy.”

I said “astonished” – because I can’t stop asking myself, “What the FUCK is wrong with him?!?! Is he fucking blind? Deaf? Retarded? Does he think someone like me will EVER come around again?!?!”

And that, my friends, is how you TAKE REJECTION LIKE A MAN!

I’m totally over responding to rejection like an insecure, weak woman. No more asking, “Why did he reject me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Should I have put out sooner/later? Do I need to get better at giving blowjobs? Am I not pretty? Do I need to lose weight? Should I have said ‘yes’ to his request for a threesome? Are my boobs too small? Did I call him too much? Should I learn to cook better?”

FUCK THAT SHIT.

It’s time for girls to take rejection like a man and ask, “WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with HIM?”

YESSSSSSSSSSS!! This is the way rejection should be handled! You ask that question, and then you MOVE ON. You don’t sit around actually trying to figure out WHY you were rejected (because you’ll NEVER EVER EVER EVER actually learn the true reasons). Nor do you start to think that there is something wrong with YOU (unless you’re addicted to drugs, you read your man’s emails, you don’t bathe daily, or you have one or more incurable STDs, in which case YES, there IS something wrong with you, you fucking crazy bitch). Just accept that, for some reason, whatever it may be, the rejecter doesn’t know how to appreciate you. In other words, it’s HIS FAULT that he doesn’t like you, NOT YOURS.

You’ll realize that this is actually an effective way to think about things if you reflect upon why YOU have rejected people in the past. I’ve personally rejected a ton of amazing guys for completely irrational and illogical reasons about which they shouldn’t waste a millisecond worrying (and I’m sure they don’t because they’re men). Really. Just think about the BS reasons why you’re not attracted to someone, and you’ll see that none of these things should be taken personally by anyone!

So yes, readers, I was rejected BIG TIME, but I believe that he’s a complete idiot for rejecting me, and I’m going to get back on the bandwagon, widen the funnel, and continue looking for a man who will fully appreciate my splendor and lavish me with the respect, admiration, and free dinners that I unequivocally deserve. Partially, this is because I want to find love, but mostly, this is because I want more blog fodder so that I can gather enough material for a book deal.