German Sausage? No Thanks.

You know what I find to be an unpleasant way to be awakened? When a man, let's call him Wishful Wurst, purposely uses his dick to slap me on the ass.

You know what I find to be even worse than that? When Wishful Wurst does that multiple times throughout the night.

You know what I find to be EVEN WORSE THAN THAT? When Wishful Wurst does that multiple times throughout the night as he’s BEGGING FOR SEX that I had already clearly told him he would NOT be getting that night.

To give you some context into my level of rage, let me tell you that I find being woken up by someone -- regardless of how it's done (even if it's via the gentle rubbing of my back, the licking of my clit, or the kissing of my neck) -- to be one of the most ANNOYING things in the world, and I only tolerate being awakened in TWO situations: (1) you are dying or (2) I am dying. Otherwise, LET ME FUCKING GET MY FULL NIGHT'S SLEEP PLEASE.

Now back to the Wishful Wurst. Who is this deluded man who thought that ass slapping with his dick would be an effective way to tantalize me? A foreigner. A German, more specifically. AND, he was even a very well-educated German (LLM, JD, MS, and MBA). Clearly, although advanced degrees are incredibly reliable indicators for income and career status, they are HORRIBLY unreliable indicators for the ability to learn about The Art of Seduction (something that I have mastered despite my lack of an advanced degree... okay, not really, but I send a MEAN FLIRTY EMAIL).

Oh yeah. One more thing. When Wishful Wurst got undressed for bed, I learned that he “only wears thongs.” I'm sorry, dudes, but this is the way the world works (everywhere except for at a male revue): thong on me = supreme hotness; thong on you = Get the fuck out of my room. This was the reason why I was completely turned off and had known instantly that I wouldn’t be putting out that night. PUHLEEASE. Wishful Wurst looked utterly preposterous.

And so I’ve decided that I’m going to stick with American men. Never did I think I’d so appreciate boxer briefs and good old-fashioned getting me drunk or roofied in order to fuck me. God bless America!