Dumb Bitches May Be Smarter Than You Think

I’m surrounded by dumb bitches, a species that just does not mix well with me, an incredibly intelligent bitch.

I’ll admit that I’ve somewhat put myself in this situation because of the neighborhood I’ve chosen to inhabit. My hood is actually stereotyped as being populated solely by blonde girls who wear size 0 Lululemon pants and can somehow afford to take The Bar Method or private pilates classes every day when they’re not busy “working” in their “demanding” PR “jobs.” Oh yeah. And these bitches have BIG TITS, too. Fake, of course.

So you can see why it’s easy for me to hate these dumb hos. When I go out to my neighborhood bars, men look at me though I’m wearing a FUCKING INVISIBILITY CLOAK. No, god damnit! No! This is fucking Marc Jacobs and Prada, you stupid pieces of shit! UGH!

And what do the dumb bitches wear? Their usual boring ass jeans and a stupid shirt combination, which is as interesting as the unmemorable and devoid-of-wit conversations that they spew.

And yet each one of them gets approached by numerous suitors all throughout the night! Why is this?

Because they may be dumb as rocks, but they know the simple formula that matters when it comes to locking down a man – a formula that intelligent girls over think because we like to be thoughtful and strategic about everything. But, in this case, intellect and cunning are completely irrelevant because the formula is, in fact, completely simple.

The formula: big tits + tight body + good in bed = woman who can get ANY MAN she wants.

So the Key Variables are:
- bit tits
- tight body
- good in bed

Notice the Tier II variables that I’ve deliberately omitted from the formula:
- Fashionable/stylish
- intelligent
- witty
- confident
- ambitious
- well-educated
- good cook

It’s not that these Tier II variables don’t matter. It’s just that they only come into play if you are lacking in the 3 Key Variables listed above. In other words, if you have small tits, a tight body, and are good in bed, then you’d better either be fucking amazingly good in bed or have a TON of the other Tier II variables up your sleeve. But even then, your success is not guaranteed.

And these variables are where dumb bitches and smart bitches differ. Smart bitches focus on the Tier II variables; dumb bitches focus on the 3 Key Variables. This is exactly why I now believe that the dumb bitches are smarter than I had thought! While they may be worthless in every other area of life, they’ve honed in on what they CAN offer and on what MEN WANT MOST IN LIFE, and they’ve MASTERED those 3 simple things.

Fortunately for all the smart gals out there, mastering the 3 Key Variables is completely within your reach (whereas a dumb ho couldn’t tackle half the Tier II variables if she spent the rest of her simple life trying).

Here’s how.

1. Get big tits. Do whatever you’re comfortable doing to ensure that you don’t have the chest of a 10 year-old boy, whether this entails a padded bra or implants. And wear shit that shows them off! God I hate when I see a girl with an amazing rack that’s covered up under a loose black shirt. What a fucking waste! Just go home, you worthless ho.

2. Hit the gym hard and stop eating. This is perhaps the easiest thing within your control. You actually don’t even really need to workout that much if you just fucking starve yourself like the models do. Subsist on diet Red Bulls and coke. Yes, I’m talking about the powdered form of coke. Kidding. Or am I?

3. Watch a ton of porn. This is how you learn to blow a man away in bed. Master the art of the sloppy wet blowjob, where you constantly look into the man’s eyes and lick his dick like it’s covered in chocolate and squirts out a sweet anti-aging nectar.

Yep, that just about covers the things that men care about most. They haven’t been fucking kidding all these years when they’ve constantly told us that they’re “simple creatures!” And it explains why dumb girls who only have big tits, abs, and whorish sex to offer are offering more “value” than you, the witty, bookish, career climber who is too busy gunning for a promotion to go to the gym and who never watches porn.

And I’m not saying you have to do these things forever. Another thing the dumb hos have figured out is that once they’re married, they can stop putting out (because sex gets old) and let themselves go (because they’re “too busy” taking care of the kids to go to the gym).

Get to “work!” And you’d better invite me to your wedding.

Please excuse me now while I watch hours and hours of free online porn.