You Can't Afford Me

During a second date, my date ordered our first round of drinks, paid for the drinks, turned to me, and then said bitterly, “Gee, thanks for offering to pay!”

Obviously, he meant this sarcastically because I had not, in fact, offered to pay. Why should I have? The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I was completely disgusted that he DEIGNED to say those words to me because I had PURCHASED AND COOKED all of the food ($100+ spent at Whole Foods) for our first date. But EVEN IF I HADN’T, I think he was totally in the wrong for other reasons that I will explain to you now.

I used to think that people should take turns paying for dates and that the frequency of payments should be approximately proportional to their incomes. But this was the old me, who never EVER went on any dates. I’m not trying to say I’m “experienced” now, BUT I have actually been on a few dates in the past year. Sadly, I can count all of them with my two hands, BUT there have still been enough dates to teach me something very valuable: ALWAYS MAKE THE MAN PAY.

Since I know the identity of all 9 of my readers, I can predict that at least 7 out of 9 of you are completely disgusted with that statement. But hear me out.

We all know that times is tough right now, which is why I’ve been a little more conscientious about my spending. As part of this, I began adding up the amount of money I had spent on recent dates. This is where my new insight came in: I decided to not only add up the money spent DURING dates, but also add up the money spent PREPARING FOR dates (thank you, Econ degree from top tier school...you are finally demonstrating your true value).

My earth-shattering discovery? I was shocked to learn that we, as women, spend so much money preparing for dates that it actually ends up costing SUBSTANTIALLY MORE than a damn dinner!

Here are some sample date preparation costs:

• $100 for sexy lingerie (bra + thong + any other creative accoutrements that might get your man off)
• $65 for bikini wax (w/ tip)
• $75-200 (at least, for a hot top or dress)

= over $240!

How much is a typical dinner for two with booze? Usually, NO MORE THAN $150-200!!! And don't get me started on how cheap dinners are if your man takes you out for pho, tacos, or bi bim bop.

And what do men usually do to prepare for dates? Take a shower (if you’re lucky), shave (if he has time), and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt (the same ones he was wearing before the shower).

Other things to consider:
- The ongoing costs that are required by any girl wanting to look hot:

• $65 for perfume
• $75 for make-up
• $90 for haircuts
• $45 for manicures/pedicures
• $65+/month for gym membership
• $7,000+ for breast implants (kidding)
• $300+ per pair of stilettos (not kidding)
• $100+ per pair of jeans
• $30/month for birth control

- The Glass Ceiling
- Wage inequality
- Monthly menstruation AKA 5 DAYS OF BLEEDING OUT OF OUR VAGINAS
- Carrying and conceiving babies that permanently stretch and deform our bodies
- Being valued by society almost solely based on our looks, which fade too soon, too easily, and too quickly
- Feeling guilty about everything
- Worrying about everything
- Suffering from low self esteem regardless of what anyone tells us


So I’ve decided that I will no longer offer to pay for any of my dates, unless my dude wants me showing up with no makeup on and in granny panties and a t-shirt -- with a hairy pussy underneath.

I think it’s perfectly fair, don’t you?


P.S. For those of you who think that your girlfriend doesn't need to spend that much to look good, just remember that you get what you pay for. It's okay. I realize that not every man can afford to date a bangin' hot girl who consistently wears smokin' outfits and who gets stared at by all other men and women in the room. You can't all be Tom Brady or Leonardo DiCaprio. If all you can afford is a kinda cute girl who dresses just okay, then that's cool. You just need to accept it.