Due to living a life only slightly more sexual than your run of the mill nun, I can't really use the phrase "dry spell" the same way everyone else does. I HATE normal people with sex lives who refer to "dry spells" when they haven't been laid in a few weeks or months. Fuck them!
"Dry spell" when applied to my life would sound something like this:
"Yeah, it totally sucks. I'm goin' through a little dry spell now. Haven't been laid in 3 years. Should be over any year now though."
Doesn't really work, does it?
So I guess what I REALLY have is the occasional "wet spell" - rare sex-filled weeks that are randomly dispersed among 1- to 3-year periods where I get no action at all.
Does that mean I'm allowed to say this?
"Yeah, things are awesome. Goin' through a little wet spell right now. Been bangin this hot dude for the last 6 weeks. Makes me come almost every time."
Yeah, that sounds about right.
So how far and few between are my wet spells? Let's just say I have this conversation with my doctor several times a year:
Asshole Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: No.
Asshole Doctor: No sex at all?
Me: No. None.
Asshole Doctor: Really? NO SEX?
Me: NO!
Asshole Doctor: Hmmm... Okay. Well, when was the last time you had sex?
Me: I can't remember. It was too long ago.
Asshole Doctor: 6 months?
Me: Hmm.... No, longer.
Asshole Doctor: 1 year?
Me: Hmm... No, longer.
Asshole Doctor: Really? Okay.
Me: Fuck you, doc. Fuck. You.
Why am I bringing all of this up? Because I just wrapped up a recent wet spell by kicking another undeserving dude to the curb.
And since I NEVER meet anyone I want to hook up with (because I'm only capable of falling in love with assholes, apparently), this most certainly means I'm headed toward many sexless, masturbation-filled years.
I'm NOT looking forward to it, besides the substantial financial savings from no longer having to pay for condoms, birth control, and bikini waxes. Good-bye, sex. Hello, pussy hair and shoes!
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