I'm a Dirty Secret

We've all had hookups that we've regretted in the morning. You know what it's like.

You wake up, look to your left/right, then slowly recall that you drunkenly made out with / went down on / boned that friend / stranger / ex / illegal immigrant / ugly person in your bed.

Then, you wonder how you can get them out of your place as quickly and painlessly as possible.

So you wake them up and tell them you're totally late for some appointment.

You start to quickly get dressed as they do the same.

There's usually no conversation.

You both feel awkward.

Mere minutes pass but feel like hours.

Finally, you show them the door and hope that none of your roommates heard them leaving. There's no kiss good-bye. If you're lucky, there's no hug either (I HATE when they go in for the fucking morning after hug good-bye).

I think this experience is typical. Also, it's excruciatingly painful but somehow somewhat polite, right? You both realize it was a mistake, but no one says so. You just get your shit together and go.

Well, I recently slept over at someone's place and experienced a whole new way of being shown the door.

Yes, this is my real life, bitches. And for some reason, despite stories like this, I insist on waking up every morning to continue living it.

It was a Friday morning, and I awoke in someone else's bed. No surprise there. Kidding. Ha!

Don't worry. I actually knew this fellow quite well. He was kind of a good friend. Well, up until this moment. So let's call him Ex Friend.

Because Ex Friend was a good friend, I of course assumed that I'd be getting a ride home in the morning. The only problem was that Ex Friend's roommate's car was blocking his car in the garage.

So Ex Friend had to ask his sleeping roommate to move the car.

No big deal, right?

Except for the fact that Ex Friend asked me to GO WAIT IN THE LOBBY of the apartment complex where his roommate wouldn't see me while he woke up his roommate and walked down to the garage with him so that they could move their cars.

Please re-read that last sentence, if necessary. I understand that it's so unbelievable that it might require a second reading.

Fuck it. I'll just paste it again.

Ex Friend asked me to GO WAIT IN THE LOBBY of the apartment complex where his roommate wouldn't see me while he woke up his roommate and walked down to the garage with him so that they could move their cars.

FUCKING RIDICULOUS AND DEGRADING.

Why was I being treated like a dirty secret?! Why was I being smuggled out of his apartment like a 300-pound trannie prostitute?!?!

So what did I do?

I'm sure you expected someone like me to go ape shit on his ass, but I was so shocked and confused that I had no idea how to respond in the moment! I was afraid that if I reacted, I'd OVERREACT like a big psycho.

So I stupidly said nothing except "Thanks for the ride."

Needless to say, I no longer speak to Ex Friend.

Also, I know that you're super pissed off at me right now for continuing to hook up with assholes like this, but, in my defense, .... err... Fuck! Okay, I have no defense. I'm just a total dumbass. Gotta go!