Shoo, Ugly, don't bother me.

My apologies to all of the ugly men of the world, but I've learned that an ugly man cannot grow on me.

I went on a first date with a guy who looked like Cro Magnon Man. The Old Me would have said, "Oh HELLLLLLLLZ no!" and busted out of that joint so quickly, but New Open-Minded Me decided to give this guy a chance because he had the potential to be socially unawkward, unlike all of my other dates.

Cro Magnon Man had a decent job (dentist), and he was from California, like me. He was also VERY NICE to me, constantly praising me for being cool, nice, hot, etc. Blah blah, I hear it all the time.

ANYWAY, I felt absolutely no chemistry with Cro Magnon Man during our first date, but I agreed to go on a second date with him, so we arranged a dinner at a nearby sushi restaurant that I love.

Dinner was fun, but my loins burned for him with the passion and heat of our raw sushi dinner. I decided that continuing this any further would only be leading this poor caveman on, so I decided that it was time to pull the rip cord on this not-being-shallow bullshit that everyone keeps trying to sell me on! I was over it! How am I supposed to date a guy if I am repulsed by the idea of him touching me?!?! FUCK THAT! That's BS!

So I conveniently planned an "out" by telling him that I had to leave at 10 because I was meeting a girlfriend at a club to see Ashley Simpson. I thought that surely this would get rid of him. It was FUCKING ASHLEY SIMPSON. I was literally going to watch Ashley Simpson lip sync her ass off, which should have been the most perfectly crafted escape hatch from this dungeon that Cro Magnon Man thought was a date.

Once again, because my life FUCKING SUCKS and is full of nonstop awkwardness, torture, and unrequited affection, Cro Magnon Man chimed in, "I'll come, too!"

FUCK! I am AWFUL at untangling myself from dates when the dude is actually nice, so, of course, I cheerfully proclaim, "Yeah, that would be awesome! Let's go!"

So we go to a club to meet my friend, and we wait around in this club for Ashley's emergence. Meanwhile, Cro Magnon Man can't keep his hands off me and keeps trying to kiss me because for some reason men think that being in a club makes grinding and making out in public socially acceptable. I spend my evening trying to run away from Cro Magnon Man, and I was at the point where I wanted to just run out of the club because his advances were becoming increasingly awkward to avoid. You can only turn your cheek to a kiss so many times. HOWEVER, I paid good money to see that ho Ashley "perform," so I didn't want to leave until I at least saw her!

BITCH didn't come out until one fucking thirty AM. In other words, it was a loooooooooong night with Cro Magnon Man.

Ashley danced around and pretended to sing, and she looked GORGEOUS. As soon as she was done, I grabbed my friend and told her we were getting the fuck out of there. We tried to bolt out of the club, but Cro Magnon Man found me and literally ditched his friend (who had met us at the club) to chase after me and climb into our cab!! FUCK!! It was like trying to lose Sherlock Holmes!!

So what did I do to finally shake this dude? I pretended I was sick and dropped him off! Then, my girlfriend and I got dropped off at another bar and proceeded to drink until the pain went away.


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't give nice, ugly guys a chance. Men can grow on you, but not the ones who physically repulse you from the get-go. There's a difference between "He's sorta cute, but I'm not so sure" and "WTF?! Did homie ride here on a brontosaurus?!"
   
2. Ashley Simpson is way hotter than Jessica. Like WAY.
3. Don't assume that you can get rid of a man by mentioning "lame" plans. If a man wants to do you, he'll go ANYWHERE.