Translation of a Man's Profile ==> Reality

Anyone involved in the world of online dating should read this post because I've taken the time to dissect stories about the divergence between how men describe themselves in personal ads and what's going on in real life.

• He claims he's 5'8" ==> Trust me, he is 5'6" (Universal formula: Posted Height - 2 inches = Actual Height)

• Describes his body type as being "average" ==> He hasn't run a mile since P.E. and drinks beer rather than water to quench his thirst. He will most certainly possess saggy man boobs.
  

• Uses blurry photo where he looks hot ==> He looks nothing like that in person, and he will most definitely not be hot. Also, you will not find hot men online. Hot men do not need to use the internet to pick up women. They can get laid as long as they can stumble all the way to the whore's house without puking. Sometimes, if a girl is desperate enough, she will pick up the puke-covered man, take him home, clean him up, and do him anyway. This is only what I've heard.
  

• Does not use a photo at all but when you meet him he is attractive ==> He is married or has a girlfriend and is lookin' for some side action. Be prepared to run into him on the street as he is pushing a stroller next to his pregnant wife.
  

• He says that his friends describe him as being "attractive" or "good-looking" ==> He is an idiot because no one ever says those words to a man. Those are words reserved to pump up the self-esteem of insecure girls.

• He's "not looking for anything too serious" ==> He has no desire to get to know you. After you put out, you'll never hear from him again, unless you're a freak-a-leak. Guys will keep freak-a-leaks around for a little longer. I also don't know this from experience; again, this is only what I've heard.
  

• He's only been doing this online thing "for a few weeks" ==> He's a total liar, and I guarantee you he's been doing this for months or maybe even years.

Mmmhmm... Online dating is a hot mess.