If you withhold sex after a man cooks, YOUR ASS is fried!

Apparently, if a man cooks you dinner, he thinks that his spatula is a ticket to your vagina. I learned this the hard way during date #3 with a boy whom I shall affectionately refer to as "Dine and Dash."

Dine and Dash invited me to his place for dinner, where we cooked an amazing dinner together. We're not talking the amateurish spaghetti bullshit that a lot of guys cook to try to get into your pants. We're talking steak and bacon-wrapped dates. Dine and Dash was SERIOUS.

Unfortunately for him, seeing as how this was only date #3, I was SERIOUSLY not ready to put out, so when he tried to bust out a condom on me, I hurled it across the room and laughed in his face (playfully, of course... I think). Well, apparently Dine and Dash didn't take this too well because despite what I thought was a romantic and splendid evening, I never heard from him again.

You're probably thinking that perhaps he dumped me for reasons other than my prudish ways. I, too, contemplated this thought for 2 milliseconds before realizing that this is not possible for I am an unbelievable catch.

[Sadly, I continue to run into Dine and Dash as he lives 4 blocks from me. I last saw him walking to a yoga class, and I immediately hid behind a car because I was wearings sweats and looking like complete ass (even I cannot look do-able at ALL times). Hopefully, someday this blog will become immensely popular and he'll read this and know exactly who he is.]


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. Don't let a man cook you dinner until you're ready to put out because he'll be pissed off if he doesn't get some after all of that work. If you do mistakenly let him cook for you when it's too early for sex, at least give him head. Kidding. This isn't what I did. Mom, dad, you're not reading this, right?
   
2. You need to carefully define what makes a man geographically desirable. You want to be able to see him often without hauling your ass across a town, lake, or ocean. You don't want to constantly run into him at your local library or bus stop. If you make this mistake, you will no longer be able to roam around without make-up and with your hair in a ponytail. You'll have to wear heels even when you go to Walgreens. ARE YOU READY FOR THAT COMMITMENT?