If you think I'm giving you dirty looks, it's because I am.

I agreed to meet a guy for coffee. He wasn't just any guy. He was a DOCTOR, so I already went into this date thinking that this guy would have to fuck up BIG TIME in order to not get a second date. I was almost blinded by the halo surrounding his head when I first laid eyes upon him. Am I a gold digger? No, but I'm tired of dating men who live with their parents or haven't read a book since Green Eggs and Ham (although it is a masterpiece).

We sit down to chat, and the doctor begins loudly questioning me with Awkward First Date Questions that cue in every fucking customer to the fact that we're on a first date, which I find completely horrifying and unnatural. So henceforth, I will call him Dr. Loud Fuckup. Anyhow, I try to answer his questions with a low volume in order to see if he will respond as any normal person would, which would be to also lower their volume. But of course, because this is MY LIFE, he's completely oblivious and continues peppering me with his Awkward First Date Questions loudly enough for me to check my phone to make sure there isn't a 17th person who is listening in on this mess.

Dr. Loud Fuckup tells me about his life, and I must admit, it is FABULOUS. He works only 3 days a week and owns houses all over the place. He also has really exciting hobbies, like helicopter snowboarding. But as this freakshow is telling me these stories, he does so with his ridiculously loud voice that has become a complete distraction to me. My irritation grows to anger, and when I am angry, it's obvious because my face is the mirror into my black soul.

Interestingly, Dr. Loud Fuckup actually PICKS UP on the fact that I am giving him the look of death every time he speaks because he actually called me out on it OVER THREE TIMES by saying, "Oh my god! Stop giving me such a dirty look!" While it is odd (and surprisingly refreshing) for me to be called out for being a total bitch, I'm relieved because at least I know that once this dreadful date is over, I'll never have to see or hear this monster again.

WRONG!

Cut to 3 days later when I receive a call from a number not yet in my phonebook. I let my curiosity get the best of me and actually pick up only to hear, hollering at the top of his lungs as usual, on the other end of the line Dr. Loud Fuckup himself! He fucking tricked me by calling from another number! AND he called me to hang out again even though I sat there during our date imagining ways I'd like to witness his death. WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD?


LESSONS LEARNED:

1. In order to reject a man, you must do more than just shoot him consistent venomous looks throughout the date. You must actually use the words, "I absolutely hate you. Never call me again. Thanks for the coffee though. Toot-a-loo!" (Men like when you are thankful when they pay)
   
2. Don't pick up the phone when an unknown number calls because most likely it is a sneaky and unusually loud doctor trying to trick you into talking to him again.
3. Meet for dates in places that are very loud, just in case your date happens to sound like he is talking into a megaphone at all times. This way, the Awkward First Date Questions will be drowned out by all of the hullabaloo of the environment.