I Admit It. I'm a Puma, Damnit!

Okay, so you know how we all make pointless lists that we use to respond to the question, “What are you looking for in a man/woman/tranny?”

Well, here’s my list, in order of priority (though the order changes depending on my mood, level of intoxication, and level or horniness):

MUST HAVEs:
- Unbelievably funny (=at least half as funny as I am)
- Worships me
- As intelligent as I am
- Amazing in bed
- Ambitious
- Manly / Man’s Man / Take Charge Kind of Guy
- Not Asian (although half Asian would be spectacular)
- Able to eat the spiciest food on earth
- No history of “experimenting” with men
- STD free

NICE TO HAVEs:
- Likes eating pussy and is damn good at it
- Tall
- Dark hair
- Lives within a $15 cab ride radius
- Owns a jet


Totally reasonable list, right? Kidding. I actually do recognize that I’ll never find someone who satisfies this entire list.

So what do I actually look for? Do I end up liking people who satisfy perhaps 80% of the list? 50% of the list? 25% of the list?

No. No, I do not.

This is the bullshit I usually end up being attracted to:
- Younger than I am
- Can’t get it up
- Didn’t attend/finish college
- Doesn’t respond to my calls or text messages
- But DOES send me booty texts at 1 AM


GOD DAMNIT. As a good friend often describes me, “there’s so much wrong with me.”

So, yes, I have horrible taste in men. I’ll admit it. I’m attracted to total losers!

BUT GOD DAMNIT. This only makes me even more confused because it means I’M GETTING REJECTED BY TOTAL LOSERS!

WTF!?!?

I’ll put my suicidal thoughts aside for a moment and provide you with an example.

I was recently attracted to and then rejected by an uneducated, sexually inexperienced, boat salesman! Yes, you read right. A boat salesman. And I shall call him GARJYFL, which is short for Get A Real Job You Fucking Loser.

I met GARJYFL at a bar (the library was closed), and it was somewhat by accident. My feet had been killing me, so I plopped down at GARJYFL’s table so that I could rest my feet and focus my full attention on my refreshing Grey Goose tonic. I actually didn’t even notice GARJYFL at all for the first 5 minutes I was sitting there (it’s hard to see people through the bottom of a cocktail glass that never leaves your lips, even if the alcohol is clear).

At some point, GARJYFL and I began chatting. This is when I noticed that he was actually quite attractive. But he looked REALLY young. And he communicated like someone really young. I felt as though I was talking to the bag boy at Safeway. Or the pizza delivery boy. I literally had to ask myself, “Is this kid even 18?!”

So I asked GARJYFL to show me his ID (you know you’re a Puma when you have to “CARD” the men you’re trying to seduce).

It turned out GARJYFL was 24. Woohoo! Time to partaaaay.

So I brought GARJYFL home for a little play date (Shut the fuck up. I already know I'm easy.)

Big mistake.

#1 I can’t believe I actually brought a stranger home from a bar. Believe it or not, I had NEVER done this before. Damn you, binge drinking! Why do you seduce and punish me so?

#2 GARJYFL was totally intimidated and worthless in bed. He kept saying he was “so nervous” and even asked me NOT TO LOOK AT HIS PENIS as he shamefully covered it with his hand! WTF?!!? The only other times men have NOT wanted me to see their dicks have been because they were “hiding” them WITHIN THE WALLS OF MY THROAT OR VAGINA.

#3 GARJYF’s dick was flaccid the entire night. It was my not my first encounter with a limp dick, but it’s been over 5 years since I’ve seen one, so I really didn’t even know what to make of it. It didn’t even look or feel like a penis. It reminded me of a water balloon. I felt as though the harder I gripped it, the more likely it was to slip out of my hand. His penis was like one of these thingies:




The only bright spot in the evening was when GARJYFL told me that he doesn’t like receiving blowjobs. JACKPOT! I proposed to him immediately after that, but he said “No.”

Anyhow, I felt totally confused after all was said and done. Either GARJYFL was a homo or he was just completely retarded in bed. Or both.

But despite all the mishaps, I decided afterward that I wanted to give GARJYFL another chance because (1) I was intrigued by the idea of being able to play the role of Teacher and (2) I can forgive incredibly hot people for anything.

I was somewhat confident that GARJYFL would call me because he went out of his way to get my number, and I put on a SPECTACULAR show that night. I even left my 5" heels on. God I'm a catch.

But GARJYFL never called.

Nor did he text.

Nor did he return my text.

WTF. IS HE STILL ALIVE? I hope so. And I hope he's doing well. And selling tons of boats. While taking it up the butt.

And this is where I would normally proclaim, "I'm done with stupid younger men!" But I know it's probably not true. And I'll probably have to hook up with many more immature imbeciles before I finally stop.


LESSONS LEARNED:
- Never forgive a man for erectile dysfunction. Unless he's super old and super rich.
- Do not propose to men during your first night together, even if you're kidding.