A question more important than "What is the meaning of life?"

I'd like to address a question that people stop to ask me on the street almost every day. No, it's not the question "Are you a model?" But that's a good guess. The question is, "What makes a hobag a hobag?"

I think it's important to answer this question for many reasons. First, nothing's worse than being a ho while thinking you're a normal girl who's "just having fun." This could lead to many awkward situations, such as turning 30 years old and wondering why none of the 485 men you've slept with have proposed to you yet. Second, ............................. second, ..............okay, I guess there is no other reason why the question is important. Basically, I just want to figure out whether my girlfriends and I are skanks or not.

Here's what I've decided are the symptoms of Hoism, which will now be the standard for the entire world going forward:

You ARE a hobag if ...

• you lost your virginity before you learned how to do long division (sorry, no exceptions for rape or child molestation as we all know that people who were sexually abused grow up to become skanks with low self esteen).

• your only criteria for whether you should give a man a blowjob is whether the dick will fit in your mouth, which is particularly relevant since there are already two other dudes' dicks in there. When it can't fit, you let him stick it up your ass.
  

• you tell people the number of men you've slept with, but you have to use the words "plus or minus 100." After you notice the looks of disgust on people's faces, you defend yourself by chiming in, "Just kidding! The real number is actually [insert amount of $ in your checking account]." If you fall into this category, then you're not just a hobag -- you're a broke ass hobag, which is the worst kind. But don't worry, it's also the most common kind. There are only a few rich ass hobags in the world. We commonly refer to them as "It Girls."
  

• you do the walk of shame so regularly that you've created an optimal route home that ensures no one will ever see you. This route involves a tunnel you've burrowed yourself and perhaps maybe a zipline or two. You've strategically hidden ninja outfits in bushes throughout your neighborhood. You carry your change of thong and your toothbrush in a hollowed-out Bible.

• you're able to ask 27 qualifying questions regarding condom preferences, but you don't ask any because you don't even use condoms. This is because it feels "sooooooo fucking amazing fucking without one!" You don't even care if it's a military man. Or a frat boy. Or an ex-convict. A dick is a dick, right?
  

• you purposely masturbate before an open window that directly faces the window of your neighbor; however, that window belongs to the room of a 6 year-old boy, who is also the son of a local pastor. You've repeatedly told the pastor that his son is a "little fucking liar."

CONCLUSION: Despite this unbelievably high standard I'm setting for what makes a hobag a hobag, it seems as though, somehow, I am NOT a hobag. I'm very relieved and will be emailing the results of this test to my parents shortly. Are YOU a hobag?!?! If so, it's okay. Don't feel bad. It's much better being a hobag than a prude. Everyone says so.